Hello, I would like to place you on a medication with side effects that include the following:

Anorexia, depression, metabolic acidosis (ph imbalance of the blood that can result in blindness, kidney failure, coma and death if left unchecked), and suicidal thoughts. Would that be all right with you? Excellent.

By the way, I will only respond immediately to concerns about any side effects you may experience while taking this medication during the first two weeks you are on it, after that my rapid pit bull of a receptionist will do everything in her power to hang up on you as quickly as possible each and every time you call. Got that?

Fantastic.