Category Archives: #chronicillness

#chronicillness, #eatingissues, #spoonie, #spoonielife, #topomax, #topomaxsucks, Spoonie, spoonies

Uncomfort-food…

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I am a comfort food person. When I have the flu I want soup, when my heart is hurting I want rich, spicy, Indian food and when I have been struggling for a long time with pain or illness I want a treat. I have a strong relationship with food and feeling better.

Right now I am in a really big fight with food and I am finding myself uncomforted by its existence. Right now between the knotty intestines and the Topomax my usual treatment for not feeling well for a long period of time has turned into a looping internal monologue of disappointment and disillusionment.

“Man it’s been a long couple of weeks. I sure could use a scone and some tea to perk myself up.”
“Yep, except the scone would taste like shit and the tea would taste like shit and you’d just end up throwing them both up so why don’t you just skip the eating and drinking part and do something else?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”

It has sucked. I have had this looping conversation in my head dozens of times a day and the longer this goes on the more I have it!

Worse, one of the other coping mechanisms I have for feeling better is lighting incense or using a scent infuser but now everything smells awful so the only thing I can really do to bring myself a little peace is cleaning and while the end result is pleasant the task doesn’t really feel like pampering.

Maybe I need new books. Or a stasis device I can go into for the next 30 days.

#chronicillness, #eatingissues, #fibromyalgia, #intestinalblockage, #spoonie, #topomax, Chronic pain, fibromyalgia, Food, frustration, health, Spoonie, Spoons

My kinky side…

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I’ve lost ten pounds in the last nine days because I can’t eat more than a few hundred calories. Every day I can eat less than the day before because every day my stomach shrinks and my sense of feeling fuller happens after less food and my sense of “OMG I’m going to pull a Exorcist at the table” happens after fewer and fewer bites.

Today it was half an avocado for breakfast. I didn’t even make it all the way through before I felt ill.
For lunch I drank a protein shake and felt pretty good about finishing it before I realized it only had 190 calories and not the 390 I thought it did.
Then I managed a whole 5 Hershey’s kisses.
Just now I ate 1/2 of dinner consisting of cream of broccoli soup mixed with ground beef, steamed veggies, and nutritional yeast.

I feel as though I have eaten Thanksgiving dinner. I’m trying not to hurl.

Only four and a half more weeks until surgery to fix the “kink in my hose” as the surgeon described the portion of my small intestine wrapped around scar tissue in my abdomen. Until then it’s my own personal version of Biggest Loser, Starvation Edition.

To add a fun element to the party I am tapering up on Topomax which kills the hunger signal, makes me feel full(er), AND makes every taste as though my mouth is coated in blood or pennies. (As an aside, I would not make a good vampire. Their diet is disgusting. There will be no Un-Deading it for THIS girl.)

So I am also popping pills every night that make eating even more difficult and less fun. Further, the pills make me feel as though I have the flu so I have spent the past week feeling all over body aches and bone and joint pain well beyond the normal Fibro party.

Kids, Don’t do Drugs. They seriously mess with you.

Well my husband just arrived with a nice bottle of wine from the 19 Crimes collection. I will probably have a sip or two before I am tempted to spit it out as it will taste revolting BUT damnit I will have some!!!

Stay safe loves.

UPDATE: The wine tasted like soap. SOAP! Everything else tastes like copper but the wine tastes soapy? I couldn’t even manage to sip enough to get the slightest bit loopy, even on so few calories. I feel cheated.