It’s the waiting.
the interminable waiting for you to return,
to enter the room,
to open a door,
to call my nickname or ask me for something.
it’s the feeling
of a breath not fully taken
not fully released,
held eternally in expectation
while time moves on without you.
it’s the knowing
that given a choice you would return
you would call
you would come back.
you have no choices.
it’s sinking feelings
it’s desperate feelings
it’s lonely and sorrowful
hurt beyond repair feelings.
it’s hearing a word only you used to say
smelling your favorite food,
seeing a project you would like,
hearing a joke you would laugh at,
singing to a song you would love
and crumbling
internally
out of sight
little by little or boulder by beastly boulder.
it’s closing my eyes
slowing my mind
so I can try and remember
the feel of your hand in mine.
the sound of your voice in my ear.
It’s the wretched emptiness
where you once were
that cuts me
over and over
while my insistent heart waits for you to return.
6/2/23
MEwegen