One of my favorite parts of motherhood is listening to the really crazy things that come out of my kids mouths. For example, when Monkey was 3, she was overheard saying “Where is the fucking trash can?” because her father and I hadn’t quite curbed our language enough. She has since learned not to say certain words, though she is fond of saying she can’t say them. “I know I can’t say damnit right mom? I can’t say damnit right? I am not supposed to say Damnit ’cause it’s a bad word, right Mom?” Oh yeah, she’s a lawyer’s kid. We have already had the “dam” v.s. “damn” discussion, and she is six. So, whattaya gonna do? Anyway, as Otter is beginning to speak, and Monkey is a font of interesting turns of phrase, I thought I would share a few of the odd conversations I have had this week.
“Is the baby hungry? Does Otter want some milk?” said I, in a disgustingly cute sing-song voice guaranteed to bring bile to the mouths of anyone overhearing me. “Can Otter say milk? Mama milk? Mama milk?”
“bbvvmm…… Boob” said Otter, repeating the word we have somehow all adopted to refer to breastmilk and patting me on the chest. Oh yeah, that one totally backfired on me, I am going to have the only one year old asking for boob. Great. Really, this will go over well in the more Stepford sections of my town. I am so glad I failed to listen to my friends when they warned me not to refer to breastmilk as something I didn’t want the kids repeating. Head-slam-desk.
Anyway, onto a little Monkey magic:
“Mom, I don’t know why, but Eric, not second grade Eric in Miss Galloway’s class but the other Eric, you know, the blonde Eric? Not the one that pushed me down last week at the playground but the other one? The one that’s been chasing me around at recess? Him? That Eric?”
“Yes Monkey, okay, what about Eric?” said a very exasperated and throughly lost Mommy.
“Well I don’t know why but he said he loves to hear me scream because it’s music to his ears, but I am still faster than him.” said a proud and oddly flattered Monkey.
“Great, either he really likes you, or he is a future serial killer. Just tell your teacher if he bothers you or scares you okay?” I said, freaked out a little at the scream statement (not too freaked out, I know the kid and his mom and I am sure he is just being a weird kid, but still).
More Monkey Madness;
“Mommy, what is an umbrella stroller?” asked Monkey.
“It’s a stroller that folds up and can be carried on your arm like an umbrella.” I said while going for drive-thru ice cream.
“Oh.. I thought it was a stroller with an umbrella, I bet it’s really heavy.” Monkey responded.
“Not really,” said her father “but what shape are the wheels do you think?”
“Uh… round Daddy. They wheels are round.” said Monkey, with a credible teenage What color is the red bus tone in her voice.
“Are you sure they aren’t square?” he persevered.
“Square wheels don’t roll Dad, square wheels don’t roll.” answered Monkey, in the exact same tone as Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction when he said ‘Zed is dead baby, Zed is dead.’
We lost it, which had her repeating it ad nauseum in the hopes she would crack us up again.
There are more, but at this point, they are all melding into long conversation in my head so I am going to log off and go to bed. Have a good night everyone!!