Just me

Heavy Lifting…

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I’m going to start this by saying I am in no way suicidal and I am in the care of a very good therapist.

Okay, now that’s out of the way; I’m really fucking tired.

Do you have any idea how heavy a lift it is to get up every single morning of your life feeling like you fell down the stairs and still just get on with living?

I never wake up rested and spry, I never open my eyes and feel good, I never greet the day with fresh excitement.

Every single day is a struggle to overcome the very real, very intense physical weight of the pain my body has decided is my constant companion.

I’m really tired of it.

I’m tired of opening my eyes and feeling the pain flood in.

I’m tired of becoming aware of the pain in my head, neck, fingers, toes, back, hips, legs, arms, etc.

I’m tired of getting up anyway.

It’s such a heavy lift, this pain of mine. Finding joy, cheer, motivation when it’s pressing down on me all the time is a full time constant choice. Not despairing when I am never allowed a moment’s respite is hard fucking work.

I don’t want to give up on life but goddamn some times I want to give in. Fall apart, crumble, collapse, stay in bed for weeks, months, years. Not get dressed, not eat, not shower or plunge or write or paint or walk the dog. Because making the choice to do all those things with the pain along for the ride is really, really hard.

I’ve been doing it for so long and I’m only 50.

I have so much farther to go.

Thank you for listening. I’m really feeling it tonight.

Chronic pain, fibromyalgia

The awkwardness of my socializing.

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My body’s absolute dislike of all fragrances makes going out into public a bit more harrowing than you might consider.

See, manufactured scents – those you find in perfumes, colognes, body washes, laundry, air fresheners, cleaning supplies, candles, and pretty much anything everywhere ever – make me sick. Sitting in a room with a single scented candle burning for just a few minutes causes my headache to creep up from mildly irritating to “Some large mammal is attempting to step on your temples just now”.

So you can imagine, this comes up a lot.

AND I HATE IT.

Because now I am THAT woman.

Oh you know her. She comes into the room and immediately asks you if you mind blowing out every lovely scented candle you set out for your fall themed party. Then she sits close to the open window for the next half hour. She also holds her breath in elevators when you wear too much perfume, and even washes her face and arms in the bathroom if you hug her and it rubs off or she rolls down every window in your UBER when you decide to liberally douse it in smelly disinfectant.

She’s INVASIVE. She pushes her needs in front of your carefully designed plans and decor and personal hygiene choices.

And I have to be her because suffering in silence isn’t an option. Prolonged exposure means days of misery for me so instead I head it off by heaping misery on you.

Or that’s how it feels to me.

I am sure most people are willingly blowing out candles or – at worst – are mildly put out when I have requests about these things but it feels like I am being the bossiest, most demanding, most obnoxious woman on Earth.

It makes it so hard to leave the house.

It’s not just preparing to socialize and mask pain around people I love, it’s having the strength and readiness to encounter threats to my physical well being all over the place and demand they be put away for my comfort.

Which is why, the older I get, the more I choose to curl up in my comfy cave and hide here forever. Like a cranky Goblin.

#writer, self-care

A little something …

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One of the ways I distract from pain is to create and one of the ways I keep myself sane is to clean (thank you OCD) so my more recent set of creations is the Tome of Treasures.

It’s a journal designed to help me declutter. Because I tie memories to items and even though I am very, very good at only keep things I am emotionally connected to I am also very, very good at connecting emotionally to things.

So I get overwhelmed and my space fills up and then I try to determine what “sparks joy” and everything does so I cry.

So I made a different way.

My first edition, the Garden edition, is 50 pages of different floral backgrounds on a creamy white with gold trim. A pretty place to capture the memories of how and where you got something, a picture of it, who is connected to it, any story behind it, and finally, what you did to part with it.

My second edition is the Wonderland Edition and it features the original images from Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, on a red and white card themed background.

Both editions are designed for printing at a Staples, or Vistaprint, or similar printer and are justified for a 3 ring binder. I have uploaded them onto Gumroad and am sharing them here because I realize I am not alone in both connecting to inanimate objects and in feeling overwhelmed by owning too many of them.

I had originally intended to sell these as bound books but I don’t think they will work very well unless I find someone who will do them as a loosely bound spiral notebook. After all, you are supposed to be pasting images of your treasures into each page so traditional binding wouldn’t work very well.

If you are interested in checking them out you can visit my GumRoad Profile here: https://savvyspoonie.gumroad.com/ or you can click on the buttons on the content sidebar.

Managing life with chronic illness requires savvy spoons