To the Pain…

Wesley: To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdink: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.
Wesley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.”
William Goldman The Princess Bride.

There’s a distinct sense of impending doom that has settled over life these days. It’s in the politics and the polluted air. It’s in the orphaned children splattered over the news and the raped women in the Ukraine. It’s in the loss of freedom for women here at home and the fear of impending loss of equality for everyone else.

There doesn’t seem to be a silver lining.

There are people celebrating hatred. Reveling in the misery of others. Indifferent to the death and harm caused to so many people because they want to force their will onto our choices like a rapist forces himself into our bodies.

They are bathing in the blood of strangers to protect a concept they don’t even care about once it becomes a reality.

They are blatantly hypocritical, demanding a seat at the debate table with lies, double-speak, and mis-information. They scream about having their rights trampled on when anyone tries to tell them they don’t get to lie on their platform.

They are toddler terrorists armed with the most dangerous weapon of all – zeal.

It is becoming harder to pull my head out from under the clouds. Harder to see sunshine. Harder to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

This Country has me wallowing in anguish.

#depression #roevwade #America #anger #tired #fuckAmerica #sorrow #writer

In the dark…

Welcome to Season 2 – The Spice of Life SavvySpoons – Living a life of limited spell slots.

Misty welcomes you back to her podcast. Which she totally stopped recording because of a seasonal break or some other intentional reason instead of basic overwhelmed spoonie forgetfulness. Totally.  — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/savvyspoons/message
  1. Welcome to Season 2 – The Spice of Life
  2. Simply Do.
  3. Ignore your pain, then write about it.
  4. I'm back?
  5. Your Body, Your Funeral

Pining for a pandemic…

I’m a horrible human being.

I’ve been close to tears for the last several hours with no idea why.

I ran through all the usual suspects;
Did I eat?
Did I sleep?
Did I miss a medication?
Did I take too much medication?

I did all the fixes I could. The feeling remained. A vague sadness like a recent breakup or a friend moving away soon. Something ending.

Holy shit.

The pandemic.

I’m sad that the pandemic is ending.

I know. I deserve that.

I am not sorry that we are winning against a disease that killed hundreds of thousands of humans, shut down the world economy, and sent the world as we know it spiraling into a dark hole.

But I am sad that it’s ending.

You see, I have a secret.

The shutdown made many things easier for me.

I didn’t have social pressure to push beyond my energy level or risk losing friendships.

I didn’t have guilt that I couldn’t make social commitments.

No one had social expectations of me.

I was free of the social demands healthy people unknowingly impose on disabled people.

Even better, you were all living my life. My quiet, shut inside, have to figure out how to communicate with the outside world without actually going into it life. You were finally feeling what I felt. The isolation, the loneliness, the sense of being apart from everyone else.

Now you get to go back to normal… and I don’t.

I went into a grocery store today and most people weren’t masked, they were walking close together, fearless of getting close, en masse shopping for food. The parking lot was jammed with cars, the traffic there and home was jammed with cars. People were on the street, in the bars we drove by, gathering in large numbers again.

While I was returning home, still in my mask, to the room I spend most of my time in, once again doing the isolated thing without the mental company of the rest of world, once again the outlier.

The Pandemic is nearing its end but my disease is not. You will go back to a busy social life with gatherings and work and achievements and I will not.

For a brief period of time the pandemic gave me back a sense of belonging to the outer world, it let me feel just like everyone else.

Now that feeling is gone and I’m left feeling sad.

Managing life with chronic illness requires savvy spoons