Did you know that focusing directly on your pain can inhibit your body’s ability to produce pain fighting endorphins?
Apparently if you hurt and you lie there thinking about it you can actually make yourself hurt more. This may be why I feel better when watching t.v. or reading a book than I do when trying to go to sleep at night or waking up first thing in the morning. Having something distract me from my discomfort has been more helpful than any pain killer.
The trick is managing the distractions in a way that doesn’t use up all my spoons. I can visit with people a couple of times a week but the gatherings have to be small and end early or else I sleep for days afterwards and feel like I can never wake up. I can work and clean, but I have to have days to rest in between. When I am resting I have to have distraction with minimal effort.
So how do I rest with minimal distraction and still improve my mind? After all, there are only so many hours one can watch television or read before going quietly mad and if I crochet one more hat I am going to strangle someone with yarn.
Don’t worry. I have plans. Evidence blogs, coding classes, sign language classes online, app development classes. The whole kit and caboodle. I may need to lie down and rest a lot, but there is a lot a person can do lying down.
I missed the huge Memorial Day BBQ my friends were having.
I wanted to go. I wanted to see everyone. I just couldn’t. I thought about a room filled with dozens of people laughing and talking over each other, children running around and playing, music, etc. I thought about myself, sitting in a corner, watching it all happen around me as my headache slowly began to build to an intolerable level.
My photophobia and phonophobia are such that I can’t be at large, loud parties without developing a debilitating headache within about an hour.
It’s been 8 months of headaches every day and I feel myself fading out of friend groups, excursions, and social life.
It makes me so sad and angry and frustrated. I want to be at the big loud parties, the group events. I want to share in the moments these beloved people are making together. It’s yet another thing that I feel has been taken from me.
I am disappearing from the world I used to belong to.
Tracy and I took the kids to the Royal Gorge today. We took the gondola across the gorge, walked the bridge, and rode the carousel. Marlena and Caitlin, soon to be heading to high school, were given a special gift for continuation:
I am trying not to feel as though the weather is out to get me. Each day I wake up powerless to improve my migraine because another pressure system is messing with my head. Literally.
I am trying to find positive things about the rain. I remember how much we usually need water this time of year, I sit in the garden and watch my plants soak up the rain, I listen to the birds splashing in puddles. I try not to hate the rain. Sometimes I even succeed.
I even walk in it, to and from the office. It’s an attempt to combine going to work with waking up and getting exercise. It’s not the easiest thing to start but the great thing about walking is that once you begin all you have to do is put one foot in front of the other until you finish. In the past few days I have let my fancy fly as I plod along to work one block at a time. I have made up non-profit ideas, imagined what I will do for my 40th birthday, and more. It’s a quiet reflective time for me. Best of all, I feel better when I am walking. Slightly. Until I stop. I suppose I could just live life on a treadmill. Can a person sleepwalk intentionally?
Until the weather breaks and the sun comes out I will do my best to ignore the sense of pressure in my head. In the meantime I long for dry, hot days without a cloud in the sky.
Not so very long ago in a medical facility not terribly far away there worked a series of dedicated doctors.
These doctors, having tried all sensible treatments to no avail, felt the way to cure a head that pounded and ached for no discernible reason was to give it a reason.
One doctor injected prilocaine into the tender trigger points of his patient’s temples and jaw. The next day the patient discovered that yes, her temples and jaw could hurt more.
One doctor injected steroids into the vertebrae in her neck, causing stiffness and soreness and throbbing and perhaps even temporarily fusing the neck into an immovable column of muscular misery.
Between them, they insured she could not sleep on her left side, her right side, her stomach, or her back. All positions met with angrily protesting head parts.
The doctors assured her the discomfort would pass in a couple of days and long term relief could occur but the patient learned a valuable late night lesson as a result of the injection site soreness.
Make sure you leave one position untouched for sleeping! There are no pillows soft enough to make your head forget a bunch of doctors turned it into a pin cushion.
So the patient, bereft of rest, decided to pen a poorly written fairy tale blog post in lieu of learning to sleep standing up.
Everything is spinning and I can’t keep anything down.
It’s awful. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to drink. I can’t close my eyes, I can’t keep them open.
I spend my time caught between trying to keep some crackers down and violently throwing them up.
It started with the latest storm. This awful internal movement in my head, this certainty in my body that I am floating on the wreckage from a ship. Bobbing up and down in the ocean, no solid land anywhere near me.
The room warps and wends in front of my eyes.