Pointless?

Have you ever fought long and hard for something only to wake up one day and discover any effect you may have had on the problem is so small as to seem pointless?

Three years of law school, four years of practice, a handful of species advanced along the road to recovery.

One ginormous oil spill.

I can’t watch the effects anymore. I can’t stop myself from crying when I do. What the fuck is the point of trying to protect bio-diversity if entire eco-systems can be wiped out with a single mechanical failure?

Every now and then I feel as though fighting for bio-diversity is like running in place but now it feels like being pushed right off the damn treadmill.

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Coming up for air…

gasp

It has been a crazy month. It turns out owning two businesses is alot like being owned by two businesses. Owning two businesses while raising children… well let’s just say I have a new affinity for the phrase “hair on fire.”

Things are going well. Business is increasing, my children still remember who the hell I am, I occassionally manage to have sex with my husband, and none of my pets have died of starvation. I am so tired by the end of each day I start dreaming about going to bed around nine. Around ten I go about making it a reality. Sleep is a completely dreamless state of non-existence right now. I am too tired to dream anything interesting. My head hits the pillow and I am down until morning. If Otter wasn’t in my face shaking me and yelling “wake up mama!” at seven I would sleep until ten every damn day. I love sleep, I crave it, it haunts me during the day.

I am trying to find the time for excercise. Otter and I went to the park the other day and I tried barefoot running while he chased me and warned me that a wolf was coming. (He has not heard of the boy who cried wolf because he is the boy who cried wolf. He cries it all the time!) I really enjoyed the sense of my feet hitting the track and my body seemed to view the experience in a rejuvenating way. I still have to start developing the willpower to wake up early enough to run before I start my day, but baby steps.

Someday y’all will have to come see me at my new office. Someday I will hopefully have one. We keep looking for space we like, but there are several highly opinionated personalities involved so it’s hard to find something we all love and agree on. Until then I am crammed into my space under the stairs to my bedroom, daily shuffling the family and work detritus around so I can find a pen.

Well look at that. 9:23. That is close to ten…. I could go to sleep now without feeling like a complete lame-o.