That’s how the doctor’s edict is feeling these days. I am running from the morning until the evening just trying to live a normal life. I am job hunting, working, cleaning, reading, mending, parenting, seeing doctors, and eating like a normal person. So far it appears that I can live a moderately normal life, even if I am really excited when bedtime arrives at ten.
In one week I start the new medication to handle the nerve pain. Until then it’s reset my circadian rhythms to see if it helps make the headaches go away.
I have to say I am at least distracted from them by doing. I managed law school with migraines and I always thought it was because my brain just compartmentalized the pain into a tiny corner and focused on Evidence. I think the past few years there has been less of an ability to compartmentalize. My hope is a regular schedule and a non-coma inducing treatment will result in me once again being able to kick ass.
That is basically my new medical plan. For now at least. It turns out the fancy drugs they gave me to assist in fighting off the shadowboxer caused suicidal ideation. Long term use of opiates does the same thing for me, so I am used to randomly being ready to hang up the towel when my brain chemistry is altered by various medications.
So I called my doctor and used the magic words. “Dear Doctor So and So, I want to drop a piano on my head. Please advise”. I had an appointment the next morning where he took me off all my currents medications and started me on all new ones. He also ordered the following:
Go to sleep at the same time every night.
Wake up at the same time every day.
Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at about the same time every day.
Exercise every day.
Work at the same time every day.
He basically ordered a “Fake it ’til you make it” prescription. I started it yesterday. It was grueling. I wanted to fall asleep at noon, so instead I spent two hours cleaning. I ended up going to bed at ten. Ten took forever to get here.
So, today I woke up to get the kids to school. Stayed up after seeing them off, made myself eat a healthy breakfast, and am now sitting down to work. I assume someday this routine will reset my circadian rythyms and seem more natural, but for now, it feels a little like water boarding. I keep forcing myself to keep doing stuff until it’s time to go to bed.
Don’t leave me she said
as though reading in my face
the deep pain I hide.
Promise me she said
I need you to stay with me
You are strong enough.
I know it hurts mom
But you can do anything
You can fight this thing.
Promise me she said
promise me you will wake up
you will fight and win.
Promise me each day
you will keep pushing forward
you will grit your teeth.
You will not give up
If tired take the time to rest
If saddened cry.
Whatever you do
promise me you’ll stay with me
you are my best friend.