Halloween, the time when the veil between the land of the living and the land of dead is at it’s thinnest. A time when we celebrate life by remembering death. While others carve pumpkins and stockpile candy I feel the rising of a deep well of sorrow. My ghosts aren’t scissor-handed or covered in gore but their power to wound seems inescapable. I am haunted by those who have left me behind. Tonight I sit, barely able to see the screen through half swallowed tears and I think about them. I miss them.
They say it is better to have loved and loss than to never have loved at all but I am fairly certain they were drunk when they said it. Only someone anesthetized by alcohol could fully mean that.
It’s true that I would never give back the precious time I had with these people. I cherish my memories. I just don’t think it’s entirely worth the trade offs. I am not sure getting hit by the knowledge that they are forever frozen behind me on the path while I soldier on is such a clear plus over not knowing their love.
Maybe it would be better to say Love is beautiful and magical, Death sucks forever, sadly they sometimes come together.
I have always been considered an extrovert. I grew up loving the energy found in large groups of people, especially at nightclubs, drum circles, concerts. I used to get energized by being around hundreds of people.
Lately I have been longing for my fortress of solitude. A place where I can lock myself away from the outside world and simply be. Parties tire me out, nightclubs leave me with a sense of ennui, and drum circles don’t fit me very well anymore. The only places I am fully comfortable these days are career oriented. I walk away from networking functions feeling energized and motivated even though I just spent an hour having small talk with a bunch of people I just met.
Maybe it’s because there is so little drama in professional events. I don’t have to worry about dealing with the myriad of petty matters that can arise when large groups of friends drink together. Mostly I just have to worry about spilling wine on my new colleague’s coat.
Frivolity doesn’t fit me very well right now, in fact it stresses me out. There is so much I need to do right now, so many different actions I need to take. I am building something and trying damn hard to make a positive difference as I do it. I want my choices to change the world, even if its only in small ways, such as parking in the church lot five blocks from work where the money I spend each day will be used to turn the lot into something beautiful for the community. I want my actions to make a difference. I want to save species, fight injustice, and fix some of things I consider broken. My life focus is different than it used to be and I am finding very few people who share it outside of my professional sphere.
So I long for a fortress of solitude, a giant walled kingdom far away where I can hide with my family between battles for the world. (My fortress would not be made of ice and would definitely have internet. Fast internet.)