Everything is spinning and I can’t keep anything down.

It’s awful. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to drink. I can’t close my eyes, I can’t keep them open.

I spend my time caught between trying to keep some crackers down and violently throwing them up.

It started with the latest storm. This awful internal movement in my head, this certainty in my body that I am floating on the wreckage from a ship. Bobbing up and down in the ocean, no solid land anywhere near me.

The room warps and wends in front of my eyes.

It’s horrible.

If nothing ever changed…

…there would be no butterflies.

Marlena got ready for 8th grade prom today. My lovely girl, usually too tom-boyish and busy to bother with make-up and hairstyles, emerged dressed for the dance in the guise of a stunning young woman.

The theme for the dance was Black and White, so she and I found a darling dress that fit her to a “T” and spent an hour in the bathroom with makeup and a straightening iron. Of course, afterwards we had to take some pictures:

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Marlena shows off her prom dress.
Dreaming of dancing in a dreamy dress.
A confident young lady shines.
A confident young lady shines through.
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Marlena tries a runway pose.

I am happy she left for the dance confident and thrilled with her appearance, and I am pleased I was able to help put that confident smile on her face, but a small part of me wept a little as the girl riding on my dad’s shoulders here:

turned into the young woman pictured here:


A sparkling smile and a sparkle in her eye.

Sleep… where have you gone?

It’s 2:20 a.m. and I am awake.


It would seem the medication I am on makes sleeping an impossibility. I lie in bed, every night, waiting to sleep. I plan out how to upcycle old furniture into new patio furniture. I plot out story devices. I think about plants.

I close my eyes and there is a flashing light behind them.

I cannot sleep.

So, I thought tonight I would update y’all instead.

When I left the hospital I had three diagnoses. 1. Intractable migraine disorder. 2. Tibomandibular joint disorder (TMD) 3. Cervicogenic headache.

I have been to see the dentist about the TMD and it is not TMD. Instead I have tendonitis and arthritis in my jaw. Downside, chewing is bad. Upside, I have lost eight pounds this month. (I am all about the silver linings, like how my inability to catch Z’s has given me time to blog.)

I am not sure how to feel about having arthritic jaw bones but I am sure there is a “you talk too much” joke out there somewhere. I do know the massive doses of steroids I am on to lower the inflammation are probably contributing to the lack of sleep.

As for the cervicogenic headache, I have an appointment to go under sedation and have anesthesia injected into my C2 through C5 joints again. I should be doing this every month until we do a more permanent version involving radio frequencies. (Yep, really, I am not wearing a tinfoil hat here. At some point my C2-C5 nerves will be turned off with radio waves.)

So for now it’s all about managing the side effects of the medications and learning to live with my headaches.

I have gardened, walked, laughed and worked. I am not what I used to be but I am better than I was.

And now, I am going to read another book while I try to meet that elusive Sandman.