Category Archives: Healing

Healing, Just me, Just me, MHNI, Migraine, Trigeminal neuralgia

This one time, in pain camp…

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IMG_20150316_121423~2Here I am in my room at St. Joseph Mercy Chelsea Hospital writing letters home to my loved ones.

I have a spacious room, one once intended for two. It has a ton of space as a result. I have cozied it up with a sari quilt, a fuzzy leopard pillow, and a bouquet of peacock feathers from the feed supply in town. It will be my home for the next week or longer, so I wanted to make as home-like as possible.

Today I began the day with “rounds”. Unlike most hospitals, we go to our team in the lounge for rounds and meet with everyone at once. My team and I discussed treatment for the day and the week, and analyzed yesterday’s failures and successes. I was informed what doctors I would be meeting with, what medications I would be trying, etc.

As I walked back to my room Nurse Joan came and took me in to see the plastic surgeon. We discussed my last horrific experience with nerve blocks and he asked me to try again. So, I had occipital nerve blocks done. Six injections into the back of my skull, leaving me a numbskull. For the next six hours I track the result. So far, numb. Can’t quite tell if the headache is better or not. Can’t say the experience is pleasant. It is not, but it was not the horror show I experienced last time so whatever he did differently, I’ll take it.

Dad has been coming to see me every day. He sits in the comfy recliner by my side while I deal with treatments and headaches, reading a WWII book on his kindle. Sometimes he will tell me a bit about the book, a memory from my childhood, something about when he and mom met. It’s been a cozy time to get closer to him. I am beyond thankful for his presence.

I try to stay cheerful with silly touches like Ruby Slipper socks:

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And letters from loved ones. Thank you to all who have sent them, they help a lot.

Today is a high pain day, but I managed to make my bed, eat some breakfast, and blog. My next mission is to take a walk and then I will come back and try the next medication on the list of hopefuls.

 

Collapsing Star, Healing, health, Just me, Just me, Mygraine

The collapsing star…

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Hatchet told me I am a collapsing star.  When I feel well I expand out into the universe, reaching out to everyone in my life and pulling them to me with energy and excitement, questions and concern.

When I am hurting and scared I pull inward, hide inside myself.  I don’t reach out to anyone, and I find myself lonely and afraid in a dark pool of my own making.

When I am hurting, I don’t want to reach out and ask for help. I know I can’t expect my friends and loved ones to know I am hurting. They have lives going on, things that demand their attention with the loud energetic voices used by stars who aren’t collapsing in upon themselves. They are also likely quiet tired of me being in this state. It has been years since I could answer the question “How are you?” with “I am great.”

My voice has grown quiet. Literally. It actually hurts for me to speak up. I noticed this last night at coffee as I tried to join in the conversation of my friends. I lack the ability to do so. My voice cannot be made loud enough to break into the bustle of lively conversation without causing me significant discomfort. That realization has driven me deeper within myself today. Even when I am included, even when they reach out, I am isolated.

Today I am in my sanctuary. As Dan is still mid process of moving in things are scattered about and it is not the calm cave of peace it normally it. However, it is mine, it is whole, it is quiet. It has my cat and the dog. There is warmth and subtle light.

I have set my healing schedule. I will walk once a day, long walks. Far distances with or without people and pets. I will walk to improve my health. I will study and read to improve my mind. I will wait for the medication to improve my head. I will make all my doctor’s appointments. Cardiologists, Neurologists, Anesthesiologists, etc. I will call the clinics and insurance people. I will keep up with my laundry and chores. I will cook and eat healthy meals.

When my children are home I will read with them or play games with them. I will spend time each day focused on each of them. I will carve that out.

I will save the dark hours of the night for despair. The hours when the pain wakes me up or prevents me from sleeping. The hours when I become certain my life will not improve beyond these small accomplishments. Despair best suits the night time. The darkness helps it settle into your bones. The morning always brings with it a little hope and a renewed dedication of purpose.

As scared as I am to attend this pain clinic, I hope it gives me back my voice. I hope I come home with the tools I need to manage this lifelong disability so I can stop being a collapsing star and once again reach out to the people I love with excitement, exuberance, and joy.

Healing, health, Just me, Just me, Migraine, Trigeminal neuralgia

Move ’em on, head ’em up, Head ’em up, move ’em out

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This whole “lead a normal life” regimen is really hard.  So far I am mid-transition with my medication which means I am getting the sharp face punches more frequently.  The good news is they last a very short time and I am learning to breathe through them.

Still, the only way I can keep on with the normalcy prescription is to just keep moving.  The first day I cleaned my entire living space from head to toe, reorganized my files and office, cleaned my son’s space, washed and folded laundry, waked to campus, taught class, then hung out with the kids, doing homework and such until bedtime.  Ten o’clock, my chosen bedtime, has never been so happily greeted.

The second day I spent in search of the icky cat pee smell and spent two hours scrubbing hardened cat resin off of various parts of the house where my twelve year old had failed to sweep up spilled litter when changing the catboxes.  Afterward I mopped assiduously. For exercise I spent 45 minutes on the exercise bike. Finally, I worked for a few hours, cooked dinner and did dishes before helping the kids with schoolwork, baths, and bedtime.

By the time the third day rolled around I had the hardest time getting moving.  Every step seemed a struggle and every action a burden.  All I wanted to do was lie in bed and watch t.v. or sleep.  Instead, I got up.  I got the kids ready for school, made myself breakfast, and did thirty minutes on the exercise bike.  I worked, applied for jobs, reviewed my current cases and did laundry.  After school I took Marlena to the doctor for a knee injury at school and once home ran errands for her and made sure she was comfortable.  When she and Ollie left with their father I did rest some.

I keep thinking that if I just keep busy I will get used to it again.  I used to have tons of energy and was able to handle dozens of complicated things every day while still managing to be a good parent.  I even did this with migraines.  Heck, I’ve had ’em since I was 12, so learning to cope with them was  a necessity.  I succeeded through law school with more than 16 headache days a month and a small child.

Still, despite the prescription to just keep moving, I can feel the tiredness pouring from my body.  It’s inclination to lie down and sleep is powerful, fed in part by the three or four different medications I am on that cause drowsiness.  At this point, it’s sheer will, stubborness, and the love of those around me that keeps me going on this new lifestyle change.