I don’t want to do this anymore…

I changed my mind!!

32 weeks pregnant and 8 left to go (or 10 if you count from conception.)

How can 8 weeks seem like so long when 32 weeks have already passed? Is it because I can’t get out of my couch without assistance or much grunting? Could it be that I am anticipating returning to life without frequent bathroom trips, a life where I can once again sleep on my stomach or back? (When I sleep at all!)

These last 8 weeks seem like forever! The time between now and April 1st is an eternity! Argh!

However, there are reasons that make me happy about the time left in this pregnancy. Lee and I have started preparing for childbirth, and I am scared!

I know I have strong ideas about experiencing birth naturally, entering laborland, letting my instinctual self take over and having this baby without the assistance of drugs. I really want to do this, it bothers me on some level that I have a child already, and couldn’t honestly tell you what it feels like to give birth. However, I discovered a truth the other day, while I would like to have this natural birth experience, I would much rather have no birth experience at all!

I don’t mean a birth experience with drugs that reduce or eliminate pain, I mean, none at all. Which is why I turned to my husband last night and said “I change my mind.” He responded that it was too late for that. Grumble.

See the problem is that the closer I get to D-Day, the more I remember what it felt like to get the feeling back after Monkey was born. Ha ha ha. I remember the huge overdose of epidural medication finally wearing off, and then feeling as though a truck had driven through my vagina. Ouch! Walking hurt, sitting was completely out of the question. The only thing I liked was the numbing spray they gave me for my stitches. (Yes, stitches, there are NEVER supposed to be stitches in your vagina. If you are male, sympathize with me by imagining them in your penis. Groans and winces are appreciated here.)

I remember pain memory, even though I was not a part of the physical event that caused the pain. I think I am more afraid of this birth experience, simply because I have no physical recollection of that last one. They screwed up so much stuff with my first birth. They induced me when I likely didn’t need it, and drugged me with narcotics to help me sleep. This sent me into labor, but I was too drugged to wake up except during contractions, so after god knows how long, I gasped out “epidural” and finally woke to no pain. Until it wore off. Then they gave me so much, I couldn’t move at all. I had to cough Monkey out, because that was the only way I could get my muscles to push! After she was born, I couldn’t walk for eight hours.

By the time the feeling came back, I was completely unprepared for it. How could I be? All I had was the memory of watching myself give birth, which in itself was very cool, but I couldn’t even imagine what it felt like. So when my nerves awoke, and began to complain, it was bad.

I am hoping this time I will understand what birth did to my body, and will be more prepared to give it the time and understanding it needs to heal. I hope I will not be left wondering forever what birth feels like. At the same time, I really don’t want to go through it again! I am finally, at 32 weeks, afraid of it.

Happily, Lee has really come through this time. He turned to me and told me he would be shocked if I hadn’t been afraid. He told me he was afraid, and it wasn’t even his body that would be going through it. I felt better knowing he didn’t expect me to be excited about this, and have no fear. I suppose there are very few experiences in life that are this intense, fear should be one of the feelings we have during it.

Still, anyone want to volunteer to do it for me?? Anyone??

One thought on “I don’t want to do this anymore…”

  1. Go get ’em, kid!

    I won’t tell you to not be afraid because fear is EXACTLY why I’m having a planned c-section.

    Let the negative judgment begin!


    Anyway, too bad we can’t teleport them out, you know? Press the button and voila! Instant baby in a sac. : ) I’d sign up for it in a heartbeat.

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