My life is usually a fast paced mess of showers, dressing, washing, messing, cleaning, cooking, eating, playing, etc. It is full of kisses, both passionate and skilled and gooey and snot coated. My days contain many hugs, stories, and showing off of new skills. It is a full life, and often, a really busy one. Therefore, I do not always notice the small changes.

This weekend I was blessed to be aware enough to catch two small changes in my son. The first, a day spent finding everything funny and laughing. He has found things funny from time to time, and has tried out his laugh before, but Saturday was spent with Oliver laughing uproariously at everything that happened around him. It was as though he had figured out what humor was and was bound and determined to explore it. The rest of us were enchanted with his gurgling baby giggle, and enjoyed hearing it over and over again. Marlena discovered that she could make Oliver laugh by playing with her magnets, so she obliged many times.

The second change I noticed was Oliver noticed I was leaving for the first time and missed me for the first time. Now, he has missed “the Boob” before, and has complained mightily of its absence once I have returned. However, last night on my way to coffee Oliver looked at me, realized I was leaving, and began to make small whimpering sounds. When I returned, he looked over his Dad’s shoulder, made his cutest sad face, and reached his little arms out to me. He did not try to nurse right away or start banging on my chest, he just snuggled. He missed me, not just my milk, but me.

It felt so good to have evidence that we have a relationship that goes beyond care-taking. I saw behavior from my son that clearly told me he likes having me around, for me. His actions yesterday bespoke a new awareness, and while I am probably entering the phase of babyhood when my going anywhere without him means tears and fits are sure to ensue, I am still pleased and touched that he actually missed me.

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd winds slowly o’er the lea,
The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.
Thomas Gray

Lee’s mom is dying. She suffered an hour long seizure as a response to antibiotics she received to combat her pneumonia. The seizure caused irreparable and unrecoverable brain damage. She is, effectively, gone. On Monday her sister will be there with her, and bear witness as they take her off life support.

I wish I had gotten a chance to know her when she was bright and active, and not suffering from brain damage. I will never know the woman who raised my husband to be the amazing man I love. I met her only after her illness has dented her personality, and she never recovered. I can only thank her for the job she did, as he is my partner, and my life.

I can’t share happy stories with Lee about her, because I don’t know any. Oh how I want to share any with him that would ease his pain and make him smile, even for a moment. I suppose all I can do is share my love and support, and listen to any stories he wants to tell me. I could gather stories from other family members, but I think I will wait for a better time to do that.

It sucks that she will be dead before her grandson’s first birthday. It sucks that she will miss learning who her grandchildren are, and who they will be. I wish she could be here to be a part of it. We have fought a long battle trying to get her healthy and safe, this was not the end we were hoping for. It is what we have been given.

So for her I place here The Epitaph from Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray. It is my favorite, and brings me comfort to read it. I certainly cannot compose better words. Granted it is written for a man, but the meaning works just the same.

The Epitaph

Here rests his head upon the lap of Earth
A youth to Fortune and to Fame unknown.
Fair Science frowned not on his humble birth,
And Melacholy marked him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere,
Heaven did a recompense as largely send:
He gave to Misery all he had, a tear,
He gained from Heaven (’twas all he wish’d) a friend.

No farther seek his merits to disclose,
Or draw his frailties from their dread abode
(There they alike in trembling hope repose),
The bosom of his Father and his God.

We loved you mom.

It was a lovely Halloween. We took a long walk around the neighborhood, Marlena got tons of candy, and Oliver fell asleep in the stroller. The people around us are really friendly, so we got to talk to our neighbors while we wandered around. the streets in our area are really long, so we had a ton of houses to cover in a three block trip.

One of the little girls wandering around was Queen Padme Amidala, and Marlena was Princess Leia, so people kept saying “Follow your Daughter” or “Follow your Mother” whenever the two of them were at the same house. Marlena kept running into school friends too, which made her very happy and added a small town feel to the evening.

Andy escaped from the garage while Lee was putting the dogs out of the way of the trick or treaters, but she caught up with us after half an hour or so, unharmed as usual. Therefore, as ‘pumishment’ for running off, she ended up joining us on a long walk while we went from house to house. Pain in the A$% dog.

We didn’t get many pictures of the event, but we got a few.

Here is the world’s cutest chubby jack-o-lantern:

A family of goons pose for posterity’s sake:

Sibling silliness:

Marlena braves a spooky house to plump her goody bag: