Category Archives: Love and Marriage

Sometimes, he really doesn’t understand…

“Honey” say I, as I re-enter our minuscule office with foot hopping haste, “there is a bug in the kids bathroom I am going to need you to take care of.”

“Really?” He says. “Is it ugly or something?”

“Oh, you’ll see, just get in there now please.”

He heads into the bathroom immediately.

“Wow, that is the biggest bug I have ever seen outside a zoo! What do you think it is?” He exclaims in scientific wonder and interest.

“I am not sure, but if I had to guess, I would say a beetle.” I respond, not caring about its nature as much as its removal.

“Do you think it’s a cockroach?” He asks, unthinkingly bringing up the monster of all uber-procreating pests in reference to this easily two inch long, inch in diameter insect hanging out on my kids bathroom floor. (Nightmare sized insect, as in, do not need a magnifying glass to see distinguishing features while standing above it. Eep!!)

“Nope, it’s a beetle for sure. Not a cockroach.” Memories of my grandmother muttering something about if you see one cockroach, there are thousands more in the walls that you can’t see running around in my head.

“I don’t know honey, looks kind of like a cockroach.” He continues, clueless as to my concern over the damage our house will inevitably suffer when the Men in Black come to do battle with the alien beetles hiding in our bathroom walls.

“Nope. Saw it. Definitely not a cockroach. Definitely a beetle.”

Doesn’t he get it? If it’s a beetle then we don’t have a potential infestation problem, a beetle just randomly wanders into the house through a tear in a screen or something. It’s an outlier, a bit of nature come to visit your home. A cockroach is an indicator of something darker, a deeper problem, an invasion of your space. A cockroach means months of extra cleaning and traps, and worst of all, dealing with more cockroaches. I can tell you now, there is no way in hell I am dealing with an infestation of roaches this size, I will fucking move back in with my parents. This is a nightmare sized beetle.

“Definitely a beetle.” I say, in a tone that simply can no longer be missed as a signal that he should probably not query the nature of the insect again.

“It’s a big sucker isn’t it!” he says again, admiring the engineering of such a large creepy crawlie. “I don’t really want to kill it.”

“You don’t have to kill it, you can put it outside, so long as you put it far, far away outside.” I mention cheerfully, hoping the admiration for the gargantuan example of insect-hood will soon end and the removal process will soon begin. Dead, alive, dissected, I don’t care so long as it is out of my house and I don’t have to touch it to do it!!! Isn’t that one of the reasons I married him? So I can call on him for huge creepy insect removal duty when I don’t want to summon the will to “get over it” and do it myself? Sheesh!!!

“Come here little guy, let’s get you back out where you belong” he says, as he gathers up the beast and carries it out the door to freedom, and most likely death by pigeon.

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And now I can relax…

Lee and I are at the point in our marriage where we have little to say to each other on the phone, but we miss each other terribly when we are apart.
This makes travel very hard. We like have the other person on the end of line, but can’t think of much to say after we have shared our day’s activities and expressed our love. It makes the distance seem so much more profound than it would if we had a lot of gossip to share. We don’t though. We know all of each other’s stories of our pre-together times, or at least most of the stories, and the stories that have occurred since we got together feature both of us, so we certainly don’t have to talk about them.
Add to this mess the fact that both of us hate the phone, and you have a couple who spend a lot of time listening to each other breathe, simply to have the connection.

Happily, I no longer have to listen to him breathe on the phone to feel closer to him, as he is here!! Yup, I picked him up at DIA last night. The minute I set eyes on him I felt much of my travel stress fade away. I guess I am so used to having him around that I get antsy when we are apart.

We are here for another five days, and then it is back to the home in Jersey, and our regularly scheduled lives. I have been enjoying the visit home, but he and I agree we should avoid having weeks apart as much as possible. It is too hard.

Still waiting after all these months…

The final weeks of pregnancy are doing something strange to my mind. I am so completely ready to have this baby. I have had visions of bouncing up and down on a pogo stick, going jeeping on off country roads (bouncy ones), and doing just about anything else you can think of to have this kiddo NOW!! (Okay, not anything, but anything healthy and natural.)

Of course, as a serious type A personality and a proponent of natural childbirth, I have been reading several different books on the biology of birth and the history of birth. I have learned that many of the medical techniques used by doctors for the past several hundred years were started not because they were the best thing for the woman or baby, but because they were best for someone else. (Color me unsurprised) The result of all this education? I have come to see my husband as a potential source of labor induction.

Bring on those prostaglandins baby!! (Note: This is not an effective pick up line, though it did make him laugh.)

All joking aside, despite our culture’s reservations about tying anything sexual to the process of birth, women who enjoy an active sex life during pregnancy are more likely to birth close to their due date, instead of going over. (My due date is soon… please god may I birth close to my due date.) This is in part due to the oxytocin released by nipple stimulation, which helps encourage labor, and is also in part due to the introduction of prostaglandins from the semen, which help the cervix soften and efface. Human semen is the most concentrated source of prostaglandins, which is the labor inducing substance synthetically reproduced in Cytotec. However, unlike Cytotec, Human prostaglandins do not contribute to hyperstimulation of the uterus, hemorraging, and at times, death. (Now that’s fun!)

Oh honey… -eyebrow wiggle- What’s a handsome prostaglandin producing man like you doing in a place like this?

Yes, even the largest, most pregnant woman in the world (today that would be me) can drum up a semblance of sexual desire, if it means her term of months may come to an end sooner rather than later. Of course, there are other benefits to natural labor induction, such as sex, so it’s not as though it is a trivail to try this natural method of birth encouragement. After all, it’s what got us here in the first place isn’t it?

Hmmm…. sex AND natural labor induction without the risk of pain or death?? What a quaint notion. Hey honey… let’s go light some candles.

Darkness falls ungodly early here….

I went to bed at 10 pm last night, because it had been dark for 5 and a half hours already and my body was convinced it was hours past my bedtime. It is so dreary here when it is dark by 4:30 p.m. I mean come on! When am I supposed to get some sun? 4 a.m.?

I have to apply for the bar this week. Uck. Then of course I have to study for, and then take the bar. Sigh. I had hoped this madness was behind me. I passed! I shouldn’t have to do this again. Damn it Husband!! Damn it land of opportunity!! Curse you New Jersey and your refusal to accept MBE scores. Le Sigh.

So, here I go again, into the land of madness. The land of no sleep, and late hours and hallucinations…. no I do mean the bar prep, I know it will not be altogether different from the first few months of baby no 2’s life.

Speaking of babies…

We were watching Parenthood the other night. I had forgotten how much I love that movie. Interestingly, it is one of the few movies that grow with you. I loved it when I was younger, but I thought the parents were funny and I totally sympathized with the children. Now, I get it!! I understand the imaginary scenes in Steve Martin’s head when he is thinking of his kid’s future! I understand the parent stuff, I sympathize with them! I suggest watching it as a new parent, so you can see it from a whole new vantage point.

We were watching the part in the end when Grandma comes into the dining room and begins to tell Steve Martin and his wife, Mary Steenburgen, all about the roller coaster. “You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster… I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.”

Inspired, I turned to hubby and said “I like the roller coaster too.” He turned back and said “Sometimes its a little messy for me.” We watched the rest of the movie, the next scene they are at a play for their daughter and their son runs up to protect his sister and knocks over the sets, the camera starts to act like a roller coaster. Steve Martin’s character looks a little sick, Mary Steenburgen is smiling and laughing. It was like watching the two of us, me loving the rollercoaster, him finding it a bit messy.

I guess this year has been all rollercoaster, and really, all the downhill, scary, twisty parts. We are looking forward to some of the uphill, slow, breathers that usually come with these rides, but I am not seeing an end to the careening any time soon. Maybe there is something to be said for the merry-go-round, at least every once in a while.

2 days until we find out the sex of the next member of our family!

Swimming with the sharks…

What does a lawyer do on her tropical honeymoon?

Swim with the Sharks of course!!

We went snorkeling in the Bahamas on our honeymoon. The final snorkel was a “shark dive.” Now, I have a fear of sharks, a rather impressive, illogical, irrational, they can get smart and grow legs and come eat me on land kind of fear. Therefore, I was not intending to get into the water while there were any sharks around at all. However, during one of the reef dives, there was a lone shark fairly near by, and he didn’t hunt me down with “jaws”-esque intensity so I began to relax. Lee said they weren’t going to attack a lawyer anyway, professional courtesy and all. Being our honeymoon, I decided to forgo the requisite violent response.

Then we got to the last dive. The shark dive. I looked into the water and saw an ocean teeming with sharks.

I felt faint, I felt certain this was a bad idea, I felt I had to do it anyway. (I never said I am always intelligent.)

Yes, in spite of my inner brain, which at this point was screaming loudly while attempting to make my arms and legs cling to the ship, I entered the shark infested waters.

I followed the rules, followed the rope out into the water, and looked down. There were a lot of sharks, about 20 – 30 of them investigating the bait box below. However, the bait box was really, really far below, about 30-40 feet deep, so the sharks weren’t so bad. I started to calm down. I spent some time ogling the fiercesome predators in their environment, I started to enjoy myself. Then I saw movement out of the corner of my right eye. I looked to the right…. and calmly ambling towards me with the best of intentions was a frackin shark! It was perhaps 10-15 feet away, near the surface of the water, peering at me as if to say “What’s all this then? Got any food?”

Well at this point I choked a little on seawater because one shouldn’t actually say “This is a F&*&ing bad idea” while snorkeling. (Who knew?)

So I began to edge towards the boat with an outward calm. It took far too long to get out of the water, but eventually I was on dry land again. Whew.

Then they called everyone in and pulled up the bait box. And fed them.

This is what a shark frenzy looks like…

This is what sharks do when they are being taunted with dead fish by young Bahamian divers.

Notice the surprising amount of boat underneath that shark! The sharks started coming up out of the water and onto the back of the boat. Yes my friends, it seemed as though they were indeed growing legs and coming to get me on dry land! But there were no legs, they were leaping on the to back end for the fish, and there was about 6 inches of boat wall between me and the sharks. Tee hee hee…. heh.

Anyway, I survived, and enjoyed it! Though the experience has not really eradicated my shark fear, but then again, I admitted it was irrational. I am not sure I would ever do this again, but I can certainly say I am pleased I was able to greet my fellow sharks personally, without the assistance of a set of cement galoshes.