That’s where I ended up.

After 15 years of tests, medication failures,  painful treatments, expensive doctors.

I ended up with a diagnosis science poorly understands and a palliative care team.

And a choice to keep going anyway.

I am in pain every day. All day every day. Sometimes the pain is only as distracting as a well behaved toddler while you’re at the grocery store. It demands my attention constantly but doesn’t melt down. If I apply mindfulness techniques I can accept it’s presence and live with it along side me.

While I paint, clean, have coffee, exercise, socialize, drive, care for others, whatever I do.

Some days it’s a teenager who is out hours past curfew. Keeping me from sleep as I toss and turn waiting for the magical moment I can actually safely drop off.

It is never gone and there is no cure for it.

My life got livable again when I stopped looking for one and accepted my pain as part of my existence. When I relearned my body’s limitations and stopped trying to recover my old me.

When I made the choice to keep going anyway.