I am an artist, writer, jeweler, and a Spoonie. Before becoming a Spoonie I was a very busy high achieving attorney and advocate bent on saving the world. Now I'm struggle to redefine my life to fit within my reduced energy level. Some days are better than others. I have fibromyalgia, trigeminal neuralgia, and chronic daily migraine.
It started with a kick in the head from Otter. Actually it started with several kicks in the head. It would seem walking his feet up my back and dropping them on my face is the new alarm clock.
My new alarm clock doesn’t listen to reason. It doesn’t care that it is waking me up a full hour before it is supposed to, it does it anyway.
Monday continued with screaming as Otter stridently demanded we wake up and bring him downstairs. I am thinking he is sleeping in his own bed from now on.
Downstairs we were greeted with dogshit by the front door and dog pee on the couch. It would seem our incontinent dog decided to climb over the coffee table placed on the couch to restrict her access to it, so she could sit on the back of the couch and pee all over it. We have a couch cover and a waterproof cover inside so the couch isn’t ruined, but it is a giant pain in the ass.
By the time we cleaned up the shit and removed the couch cover she had already peed in the kitchen.
Now Otter is sitting in the middle of the freshly mopped floor screaming “Help me!” because he wants me to come pick him up.
Halloween, the time when the veil between the land of the living and the land of dead is at it’s thinnest. A time when we celebrate life by remembering death. While others carve pumpkins and stockpile candy I feel the rising of a deep well of sorrow. My ghosts aren’t scissor-handed or covered in gore but their power to wound seems inescapable. I am haunted by those who have left me behind. Tonight I sit, barely able to see the screen through half swallowed tears and I think about them. I miss them.
They say it is better to have loved and loss than to never have loved at all but I am fairly certain they were drunk when they said it. Only someone anesthetized by alcohol could fully mean that.
It’s true that I would never give back the precious time I had with these people. I cherish my memories. I just don’t think it’s entirely worth the trade offs. I am not sure getting hit by the knowledge that they are forever frozen behind me on the path while I soldier on is such a clear plus over not knowing their love.
Maybe it would be better to say Love is beautiful and magical, Death sucks forever, sadly they sometimes come together.
SavvySpoons 