Category Archives: Chronic pain

A choice to keep going anyway.

That’s where I ended up.

After 15 years of tests, medication failures,  painful treatments, expensive doctors.

I ended up with a diagnosis science poorly understands and a palliative care team.

And a choice to keep going anyway.

I am in pain every day. All day every day. Sometimes the pain is only as distracting as a well behaved toddler while you’re at the grocery store. It demands my attention constantly but doesn’t melt down. If I apply mindfulness techniques I can accept it’s presence and live with it along side me.

While I paint, clean, have coffee, exercise, socialize, drive, care for others, whatever I do.

Some days it’s a teenager who is out hours past curfew. Keeping me from sleep as I toss and turn waiting for the magical moment I can actually safely drop off.

It is never gone and there is no cure for it.

My life got livable again when I stopped looking for one and accepted my pain as part of my existence. When I relearned my body’s limitations and stopped trying to recover my old me.

When I made the choice to keep going anyway.

I am never, ever, ever

Getting better.

The slow inevitable decline of a progressive illness is hard to quantify especially when the illness in question gives you “good days” and “bad days” to begin with.

It can be difficult to notice the fact that it takes longer and longer to recover from the flu, or infusions, or too much physical activity.

The bounce back doesn’t dramatically swing from bouncy to flat. It’s more like a basketball, inevitably bouncing a little less high each time it hits the ground.

Right now I’m noticing my ball is flatter than it used to be. It’s taking me longer to recover from infusions, longer to get over colds. I run out of energy sooner on my good days.

It’s possible it’s a flare up. They can last for years after all. However it’s just as possible that I’m declining, slowly, incrementally, as my disease devours healthy nerve endings and my autonomic system loses coping mechanisms.

It’s scary and it’s depressing.

Today I’m struggling to find the silver lining.

A new approach to chronic pain.

I’m scared.

Despite being reassured that this disease doesn’t directly cause muscle weakness I’m seeing post after post about my fellow SFNers losing muscle strength.

I have days when my legs feel weak and wobbly, when my hands would rather throw things than grasp them.

I don’t want to lose my mobility.

So I’m going to get moving. Every day.

Regardless of how I feel I’m going to move. I have a vibration plate for days when all I can do is stand there, a rock stepper for days when I can do more, an infinity hoop to work out my core, a GI Board for balance, and a tiny new thigh master thingy for those days when I can’t get out of bed.

I also, of course, have my dog. He prefers the long walks around the neighborhood but those require good days.

Every day I have to do something though. No more doing nothing.

This body of mine is a complex machine that needs more maintenance than most and I’m going to maintain it.

So I apologize in advance for any Spoonie Workout posts. Just know I’m not affiliated with anybody so any recommendations are because I actually use the thing. If I ever get lucky enough to be affiliated with someone I’ll tell you up front.

We don’t have the luxury of waiting to get better.

There is no better.

This is it.

So get moving.