Tomorrow at 9 a.m.
That’s when I get to interview with the remaining staff at the D.A.’s office. Tomorrow I will learn if the week long refresh of criminal law and procedure was enough to pass muster, or if I will resort to blindly staring at the interviewers while crickets chirp in the recesses of my mind.
I am really, really nervous.
Why isn’t there a manual for life? Why do I have to make decisions and choices? No one told me when I was younger that growing up meant having to make things up as I went along.
Last week I was thrilled at the idea of working full time outside the house at the D.A.’s office. This week, after watching Otter respond to my being gone for classes and dental appointments, I have a hollow space under my heart at the thought of leaving him, and Monkey, to 40+ hour a week non-mommy care.
Now, if I work from home I will feel guilty if I don’t earn enough money, and if I work outside the home I will feel guilty about being gone so much. Are there any guilt free choices at all?
What do I do? Do I believe in myself wholly and throw caution to the wind, along with an advertising budget, equipment costs, and god knows what else to establish my own practice? Thereby giving up the chance at mentor-ship, a steady paycheck, and guided experience so I can spend more time with my little man, easing his transition to big kid, and be here for after school, sick days, and dinner time for both kids? Is that the right thing to do?
Or, do I focus on my career now, having given him nearly two years with a nigh constant mommy, and embrace my steady, if likely paltry, paycheck, and some solid training to go along with it?
I will likely earn a lot more sooner if I stay in my own practice, and succeed at it, than I will ever earn at the D.A.’s office. However, my chances of earning a ton in the future increase significantly with a few years put in at the D.A.’s office. Of course, any future position would likely be at a major law firm, thereby requiring 60-80 hour work weeks, so I would probably never see my children again there either. My other choice would be starting a law practice, which I can continue to do now, right?
I am talking in circles to myself, going over and over these issues, and finding myself less able to decide between them with each passing day. What choice should I make? Do I listen to the ache inside my heart responding to Otter’s increased neediness caused by my recent absences? Do I listen to the sigh in my head at the thought of passing up another career chance? Do I go to therapy to reconcile the damn voices in my head, just in case I am actually losing my mind?
Will one of you friggin brilliant friends of mine write a damn manual on how to do this shit already?
Holy Shit is it cold here in Colorado. The kind of cold that freezes the snot inside your nose when you inhale and turns slightly damp hair into an ice sculpture. Gak!!
This afternoon I had a court hearing for a dear client of mine and we met, shaking, pale, and freezing, downtown about 40 minutes before the hearing. (It’s good to have a client who is as OCD about timeliness and courts as you are.) It was too cold for any of my suits, as I would rather have walked into court in yoga pants than brave this weather in a skirt suit and pantyhose. Happily I am a girl, and the only truly apparent upside to that in my profession is being able to wear slacks without a suitcoat and tie. (The poor attorney at the courthouse with us, awaiting his hearing, was in a three piece suit with sweater vest and freezing as well.) Still, I should have worn pantyhose or tights under the slacks because it was really, really cold. I made the mistake of showering less than and hour before leaving the house, so my ponytail was one solid ice carving by the time I arrived at the courthouse.
However, freezing or not the hearing went well and we parted ways happily, scurrying back to increasingly ineffective car heaters and racing home to finish the day.
As I am still waiting for the next interview step in the DA chain I have begun working on some of the Trusts and Estates work I accepted whilst I wait. This included creating a very useful but amazingly obnoxious 22 page intake form for my clients to fill out. Now, having just hired me, they recieve a huge document requesting more information than they even knew existed so I can best represent their interests when drafting their Wills. They will probably hate me until they see how much it cuts down on the bill. (Without this form they would be billed for sitting in front of me while I ask them these questions in person.)
Still haven’t heard from the D.A.’s office. Maybe “Do you want to interview now or later?” was lawyer speak for “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
SavvySpoons 