No one told me there would be so much to miss as I grew older, had children, moved on with life’s natural stages. Granted, as someone with a disability that came later in life I have some additional things I miss that others may not but I expect to miss those.

Like I expect to miss my Dad, or friends who’ve died.

I did not expect to be sitting next to my fully grown 18 year old son during lunch and find myself missing the young, snuggly, child who wanted to spend time with me every single minute of every day.

I did not expect to see my 24 year old daughter get into a serious relationship and feel a pang because I know I am going to miss having coffee with her every morning and telling her orange cat to shut up every night when she moves out.

I didn’t expect to feel loss for the changes that life is supposed to bring, but I do.

There used to be this thing he did when he was younger. Whenever we went out to eat he would eat off my plate (it got to the point we would just order together) and so he would come in to the table and smile this completely secure, trusting, satisfied smile, climb into the booth, and slide right next to me. That smile said he knew he was precisely where he was supposed to be and was happy to be there.

It felt good to see him so secure. I felt good providing that security. There was a sense of security in it for me too.

I miss it. I enjoy learning the person he is now, having more complicated conversations with him, seeing him grow and change and become an adult, I just also miss him as a child.

And I feel weird when I do! He’s right frickin’ here! He lives half a block away and I see him all the time.

I guess this is empty nest stuff? This is what everyone means?