life | SavvySpoons

As someone who routinely has to give significantly less than 100% I have a tendency to give more than on should on the days I feel good. While I am aware that giving too much on good days contributes to being worse off on bad days, I seem to be unable to stop myself.

An ai rendering of my dumb ass feeling superhuman and burning through all my spell slots at once.

Today I was finally feeling decent enough to do some things around the house. I started the day acknowledging that it’s been a hell of a summer and I should be low key and not do too much. I read on the porch and drank coffee, talked with my mom, and enjoyed the morning.

Then I was alone in the house. Superhero me began whispering in my ear. I decided to finish the flooring the trim on the storage closet we had redone. No big deal, the tile we are using is basically just big stickers and the trim is minimal. Besides, I will feel accomplished and have an easier time resting after I finish that right?

Except I had a really itch reaction to the cold plunge yesterday and it really needs fresh water, I’ll go ahead and drain it, clean it out, and refill it. Then I will be ready for new cold plunges on bad days and be in better shape for self care!

Except I really needed to empty the catboxes while the plunge was draining because they were gross and while I am throwing that muck away I might as well clean up any dog mess in the yard so that’s taken care of.

Time to scrub out the plunge! It’s empty of water and needs a solid scrubbing, rinsing, and then refilling.

As least I sat and rested while it refilled.

Then I went to get showered because I was sweaty and gross but there was a tile on the bathroom floor that had shifted ever so slightly resulting in a gap that has been driving me crazy for months so I trimmed a tiny piece of new tile off and fitted it into the gap, then using wood floor repair markers I colored in the piece to match the pattern on the pieces next to it.

Then I showered.

Then I got dressed and it was dinner time already! Good thing there were left overs. I decided that instead of heating and eating them I would make Fried Rice.

Then I cleaned most of the kitchen so my mom wouldn’t be stuck with that mess.

Now I feel like I’ve been flattened by a steamroller.

Is it the ADHD that makes me run around like that on a good day? Unable to stop flitting from task to task until I hit the wall and collapse? I would like to employ the myriad of coping strategies I have learned for energy management but I never seem to be able to access that part of my brain while I am up and doing things.

I’ve only been disabled by this damned disease for 16 years, it’s not like I’ve had practice or anything!

No one told me there would be so much to miss as I grew older, had children, moved on with life’s natural stages. Granted, as someone with a disability that came later in life I have some additional things I miss that others may not but I expect to miss those.

Like I expect to miss my Dad, or friends who’ve died.

I did not expect to be sitting next to my fully grown 18 year old son during lunch and find myself missing the young, snuggly, child who wanted to spend time with me every single minute of every day.

I did not expect to see my 24 year old daughter get into a serious relationship and feel a pang because I know I am going to miss having coffee with her every morning and telling her orange cat to shut up every night when she moves out.

I didn’t expect to feel loss for the changes that life is supposed to bring, but I do.

There used to be this thing he did when he was younger. Whenever we went out to eat he would eat off my plate (it got to the point we would just order together) and so he would come in to the table and smile this completely secure, trusting, satisfied smile, climb into the booth, and slide right next to me. That smile said he knew he was precisely where he was supposed to be and was happy to be there.

It felt good to see him so secure. I felt good providing that security. There was a sense of security in it for me too.

I miss it. I enjoy learning the person he is now, having more complicated conversations with him, seeing him grow and change and become an adult, I just also miss him as a child.

And I feel weird when I do! He’s right frickin’ here! He lives half a block away and I see him all the time.

I guess this is empty nest stuff? This is what everyone means?