I find myself in a better frame of mind.
My doc seems to see no problem whatsoever in me having more children, though I will absolutely not be taken off the meds at all, period, ever. Apparently the risk of birth defect caused by seizure is significantly higher than the risk caused by medication. Hmm. I guess we have some thinking to do.
I also have had a chance to slow down my ramp up and adjust a little bit to my medication, even though slowing down has resulted in two straight days of seizures in my left hand. They are very minute now, and feel rather like a muscle spasm, so I can handle them much better than I used to, though they are currently accompanied by that fluttering facial twitching which wears my face muscles out and freaks my soul out a bit. Ok, a lot. Still, I am less tired, and other than today have been generally feeling better.
The best news, I rediscovered a friend. I went to a drum circle on Saturday with a long time friend and while I was hiding on the fringe of the circle with her, wondering if I should stay there in the rain or hide near the bonfire and warm up, I saw the silhouette of a friend from long ago. I snuck up behind him and placed my hands over his eyes, like I had done a million times before in a prior life. When he spun around and recognized me it was like a homecoming. Best of all, he has Epilepsy, has dealt with it for thirty-three years, and has already spent hours this weekend talking me through this diagnosis. I feel as though my feet have found solid ground to stand on again. He has promised that I can call him anytime with concerns and questions. I feel so much better just having someone I know and trust to talk to about all this, someone who actually knows what the fuck it feels like, and someone who knows me well enough to ask me embarassing questions and answer the same with complete honesty and aplomb.
So this weekend has been a good one, and ends with me in a better frame of mind. I have a new strong hand guiding mine as I find my way through this maze, and am feeling blessed.