I am struggling to stay positive.  I keep trying to Pollyanna my way out of a miserable pool of self-pity, but it’s difficult to do.

I have much to be thankful for.  My children are supportive and loving, my parents are helpful and loving, Dan is wonderful, my work is patient and supportive.  I have caring friends.  I finally have a good doctor with a plan who meets with me regularly.  I should be content.

Instead I am struggling to find the energy to keep going.  The new medications make me tired, nauseated.  They give me muscle cramps, make all food and drink taste like copper, make my muscles tire so easily that I have a hard time finishing this blog post.  They have long term side effects like heart scarring.

I want to be cheerful and hopeful.  I want to believe I will get better and find a solution and be able to resume something resembling a normal life.  I just, can’t.  Not today.  Not right now.

It’s been so long since I had a stretch of feeling great.  A week of pain free living.  I am not sure I believe that is something I will ever get.