Savvy Spoonie

All posts by Savvy Spoonie

I am an artist, writer, jeweler, and a Spoonie. Before becoming a Spoonie I was a very busy high achieving attorney and advocate bent on saving the world. Now I'm struggle to redefine my life to fit within my reduced energy level. Some days are better than others. I have fibromyalgia, trigeminal neuralgia, and chronic daily migraine.

No one told me there would be so much to miss as I grew older, had children, moved on with life’s natural stages. Granted, as someone with a disability that came later in life I have some additional things I miss that others may not but I expect to miss those.

Like I expect to miss my Dad, or friends who’ve died.

I did not expect to be sitting next to my fully grown 18 year old son during lunch and find myself missing the young, snuggly, child who wanted to spend time with me every single minute of every day.

I did not expect to see my 24 year old daughter get into a serious relationship and feel a pang because I know I am going to miss having coffee with her every morning and telling her orange cat to shut up every night when she moves out.

I didn’t expect to feel loss for the changes that life is supposed to bring, but I do.

There used to be this thing he did when he was younger. Whenever we went out to eat he would eat off my plate (it got to the point we would just order together) and so he would come in to the table and smile this completely secure, trusting, satisfied smile, climb into the booth, and slide right next to me. That smile said he knew he was precisely where he was supposed to be and was happy to be there.

It felt good to see him so secure. I felt good providing that security. There was a sense of security in it for me too.

I miss it. I enjoy learning the person he is now, having more complicated conversations with him, seeing him grow and change and become an adult, I just also miss him as a child.

And I feel weird when I do! He’s right frickin’ here! He lives half a block away and I see him all the time.

I guess this is empty nest stuff? This is what everyone means?

if your body is convinced the world is trying to kill you all the time.

I am more than 16 years into my chronic pain journey. In that 16 years I haven’t gone a day without a headache or pain somewhere in my body, usually both. I’ve spent a fortune visiting the country’s most knowledgable doctors, having the most in depth tests, and trying the most outlandish treatments. I have tried all the drugs, including Ketamine Infusions, and I have done all the botox.

What I discovered was this;
Pain killers don’t work with neuropathic problems. They just add fatigue, confusion, constipation, and eventually addiction to the problems I am already facing. They also impair my ability to drive and make decisions.
There are medications that will bring neurological symptoms to a dull roar, but there aren’t any that will make it go away. Medicine isn’t there yet.
So what the eff does give me a break from the unceasing pain coursing through my body?

ART.

Making any creative thing really. Fine art, crochet, designing stickers online, making miniature gnome habitat parts, it really doesn’t matter as long as I am losing myself in the process of creation or – as the artists lovingly call it – the flow.

See the little watermelons on the right of the bamboo decking? I painted acorns I found on my walk with paint pens. Not fine art but it sure was a fine pain distraction.
See the shiny sparkly thing on the left of the house? Beads, wire, and several hours distraction from pain. (I made 5.)

I have created art my whole life, whether through singing and dancing or painting and writing, whether for myself or for profit, and I can tell you the meditative deep dive your brain goes through when you start making something, is the best pain break on earth.

One of the heartbreaking things I have discovered in my time as an artist is most people believe they cannot create art. Our culture has monetized everything to the point that we all believe we can’t do something unless we can do it to the level of selling it. When it comes to the creation of art, we are selling ourselves short. Humans have been creating art since we’ve been around. There are cave paintings from our earliest ancestors. Our very existence on this earth has grown up with art and the process of creating things and expressing things through music or sculpture or drawing or anything is deeply rooted in our brains. We benefit so much from making things. Any things.

This “Little Free Gnome Stuphs” library I made day before yesterday took me 5 hours. I was in a horrible pain state in the morning so I brought out a glue gun and some popsicle sticks and a YouTube tutorial and as I worked my body began to relax. My pain eased.

I devoted more than half a day to making that tiny popsicle stick library for neighborhood children to open and take gifts out of. It is not something to sell on Etsy or to hang in a gallery but it was fun and meditative AND very effective pain control. It will not solve the crisis in the Middle East, or earn some art dealer a giant commission. It did give me several hours of lessened pain and made at least one little girl smile as she took a trinket out of it on her walk this morning.

Now, if you had told me in year five, or seven, or even nine of this horrible chronic pain journey that I would be controlling my pain with popsicle sticks and glue I would have shoved some choice words up your ass and moved on to my next doctors appointment. I am in no way telling you to stop getting treatments or taking medications. I am simply suggesting you also pick up a coloring book and some pens and see if you get a bit of a break from the eternal weight of chronic illness with an art project.

Being a sarcastic person I am a fan of this stripe of coloring book. You can get your art zen on and swear a blue streak at the exact same time. The important thing is to find the flow.

My flow has been very Gnome Garden directed lately. I’ve made a well, tiny produce, repurposed various jewelry pieces for decor, and created a little village under my juniper bush for the folk. I even treated myself to a few pre-made solar houses that light up, though I did repaint some of them.

I’m not sure what my next art project will be but I know there will be one. It’s a vital to my continued existence on this planet as my PT and my cold plunge.