Category Archives: Attachment Parenting

Inviting them in…

(Also posted on API Speaks. Join us in celebrating Attachment Parenting Month!!)

Sometimes being present in your child’s life has more to do with inviting them in to your life, rather than joining them in theirs. We focus a lot on setting aside time for our children so we can engage in their activities, which is definitely important, but it’s not the only way to involve them in your life.

I had my daughter, now seven, when I was twenty five. I was in my last year of college. I distinctly remember reading my criminal justice and criminology text to her as she grew in my womb. Once she was born, she came with me everywhere. When I went to study, she came along, sitting up in her little baby seat, smiling away at the staff and Village Inn as I read up on trial practice, literature and the law, and basic evidence. She flourished at my side.

When she was two, I entered law school and she entered pre-school. There were days when I would pull her out of school and bring her to class with me, so she could see what mommy did all day. At two, she would sit quietly next to me in class for the full hour and forty-five minutes, listening to a lecture on federal wildlife law, administrative law, and be happy as a clam. She would often raise her hands and ask questions of my professors, and in the three years I attended law school, she enjoyed every class she got to sit in on.

When I joined the American Inns of Court she came to our weekly breakfasts, and loved talking to the judges and lawyers, listening to their stories, and stealing bits of their bacon and cantaloupe. To this day she attends these breakfasts with me, and is very proud that she gets to come along.

After graduation I went to work for an attorney in NJ. At one point in time I had to bring Monkey to work with me. We had a huge filing due the next day, my husband was out of town, and there was nowhere else for her to go. She sat in my office with me from 3:30 p.m. until nearly midnight, happily drawing away. On the ride home I thanked her for being so well behaved. She said “You remember how I used to go to law school with you? This was kind of like that, I have missed it.” I was so touched to realize how much she enjoyed being a part of my adult world.

I forget how much it means to her, to be allowed in on the things I am doing. Sure, she is thrilled if I play house with her, or paint a picture with her, but she will cry if she misses Thursday morning breakfast group. I always worried she would find these grown up occasions boring, but she doesn’t. She involves herself, and finds a way to participate, every single time. She is so proud that she gets to attend grown up functions, and she is always well behaved at them. We may have tantrums in the store, or wiggling at a restaurant, but she knows when she has to behave well, and she is so pleased to be included that she goes out of her way to do her best.

There are other ways to invite children in, letting them cook with you, clean with you, choose items at the grocery store or make decisions about what you do as a family on the weekend. In my experience, just being asked to join in makes all the difference to our little people.

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AP Month…

Attachment Parenting Month is here, and the theme is “giving our children presence”. As many of you know, I am a big fan of the AP principles, and I think they have hit the ball out of the park by choosing to focus on the importance of involved parenting for AP month.

There are many things I have tried to do to keep my family connected. I don’t have a car with a built in DVD player, and Ipod’s or MP3 players are not allowed in the car. If we are going to listen to music, we will do it together. I have gotten rid of cable t.v., and the nights that we eat in front of the boob tube we watch something all of us can enjoy together. I have brought my kids into the kitchen to help me cook, I have brought them into housework to help me clean. Lee and I try our best to live our lives with our children, instead of around them.

Still, it can be challenging to remain present in our kids lives. Life is hard work and we don’t do such a good job staying present for each other sometimes, much less our kids. After a long day with Otter, I don’t always have the fortitude to throw myself into Monkey’s tea party schemes. Sometimes I lock myself in my office and blog while the kids watch Little Bear on the Apple T.V.

So… for AP Month I want to ask my readers how you give your presence to your children, when you are too worn out to be present for anyone else? I want to explore the little pieces of parenting that make the difference for our kids, and us. For example, when I am feeling really worn down and I know I haven’t been particularly present lately I will take the extra minute to cut Monkey’s lunch sandwiches into heart shapes with a Valentines Day cookie cutter. That way I know she will feel that little extra bit of love when she opens her lunch during school.

What do you do? What are the little touches you add to your kids lives to make them feel that much more loved?

Sensitivity strained by boundary pushing

Responding with sensitivity. Keeping everyone’s dignity in tact. Using positive reinforcement and active listening instead of punishment and negative reaction. All of these practices are something I firmly believe in. I believe children are incentivized to behave well when their needs are met, their work praised, and their failures patiently worked through, instead of harped on. I believe in teaching my children about consequences, instead of punishing them for their actions. I am a big believer in patient parenting.

And then I met six.

Six has strained my relationship with my daughter, my role as an attachment parent, and all my fancy new fangled parenting skills. How exactly does one parent with patience during daily doses of the following:

“Mom! Can we play on the playground?”

“I’m sorry honey but not today, it’s raining.”

“Awww… but I want to! Just for a minute?”

“No dear, the playground is all wet and we need to get in out of the rain.”

“I don’t mind if I get wet. I want to play on the playground.”

“I understand that you do, but the answer is no.”

“But I never get to play on the playground!!”

“Monkey, you have played on the playground every day this week. Today it is raining. We are not playing on the playground in the rain.”

“Can I just go see if the playground is wet before we go?”

“No, clearly the playground is wet if it is raining. We are not staying, we are getting in out of the rain.”

“But I won’t play on it, I just want to look at it!”

“Monkey, you have asked me at least five times, I have answered no each time. There will not be a change in my answer. If you ask me again I will have to take away a privilege. Do you understand me?”

eyerolling “Yes” sigh “I wish I could play on the playground.”

It is enough to drive all notions of attachment parenting right out the window. To make things worse, if I ask her a question she doesn’t want to answer, she will just pretend I never spoke. It has gotten to the point where both my husband and I will reassuringly say “It’s okay honey, I heard you, you did actually speak out loud.”

What is a parent to do? I am trying not to envision my child with ugly green horns and bulbous spots when this behavior rears its ugly head, but I go not have endless reserves of patience. I can’t just turn off all my feelings and not react, even though I know her behavior is developmental, that she is testing her individuality and my boundaries. I know she is not out to get me, but it’s hard to know that in the middle of an argument.

I thought I would share a few of the coping methods I have attempted to employ in staying calm in the face of her powerful persistence.

1. Hum The Girl from Ipanema in my head and imagine I am all alone in an elevator that no one, especially my arguing child, can get into.

2. Envision myself on a beach drinking an icy cold fru-fru drink while a massage therapist works all the argument caused knots out of my shoulders.

3. Remind myself that calm and consistent responses will make a strong and healthy child.

4. Take a deep breath and warn Monkey that she is about to make me very angry. “Honey, I am getting very frustrated, if this continues, I may yell at you.”

If those don’t work I try to forgive myself for yelling, and her for pushing. I also try to apologize for losing my cool, and explain to her why I did. I use I statements when doing so; “I am sorry I yelled, I was feeling like you weren’t listening to me, and that was frustrating for me.” Usually she will apologize too, and we will hug, and the day will go on. On really bad days, we just have a fight, and then I lock myself in the bathroom alone for twenty solid minutes (after hubby is home) and either: read a book, do my nails, or take a long hot shower so I can recover some of my resources.

What do you do to stay calm in the face of unbelievable, epic persistence? What techniques do you use to keep your cool and respond with sensitivity? I would love it if all of you would share your ideas with me in the comments. I think we can all parent more patiently if we have a larger arsenal to draw from.

You may also view this post at API Speaks.

To wear or not to wear, that is the question.

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the occasional pains and backache of hefting a baby in a sling or carrier, or to endure the separation of stroller use, choosing a method of baby toting is something all parents have to do. That is, of course, unless you intend to never leave your house. So, in the realm of unasked for advice, I offer you my viewpoint on babywearing.

As indicated in my initial API post, I fell into attachment parenting by accident. It was not a carefully thought out parenting style, but more a response to my personal desires as a mother and the needs of my children. At my baby shower for my first child, I received the usual land-yacht sized stroller and a Baby Bjorn carrier. I also received a lovely handwoven sling from Guatemala. Oh, it was gorgeous. When Monkey arrived, I was eager to place her into the sling, but lacked the knowledge and confidence to tuck her into what amounted to a bolt of fabric tied around my body. Instead, I used the Baby Bjorn. After all, it had the appearance of something scientifically developed. It had straps, and latches, and padding! Clearly, it was safer than a simple piece of fabric held together with a knot!

The Bjorn kept Monkey close to me and it was ergonomically correct, but there was a great deal of material and padding between us, and it was unbelievably hot to wear in the summer, for both of us. It was also a lot of hassle to strap me, and then Monkey into it. Additionally, it was huge, and next to impossible to carry around without my car as I couldn’t fold it up and slip it into anything.

I tried to get Monkey into the sling after discovering the downsides to my baby wearing tool of choice, but by that time she was used to the Bjorn, and didn’t want anything to do with the sling. She just couldn’t get comfortable in it. I sold the lovely sling to a friend for her sister’s shower, and went looking for a cooler and more compact solution. Luckily I found a compact hip carrier from One Step Ahead. While it didn’t allow me to carry her on long hikes, as it rested her on my hip, it did allow me to hold her more often, and for longer periods of time, by allowing my arms to rest. It was also significantly cooler in hot weather. This was the tool I used until Monkey was about three. It slipped into my diaper bag, and later my purse, and allowed me some additional options when she was tired out and wanted a ride on Mommy.

It would be nearly six years before I had another baby, so I had plenty of time to study those instincts I had discovered with my first child and figure out ways to encourage them with my second. I looked into babywearing and discovered a number of benefits I hadn’t known about before. I learned that progesterone levels in mothers increase with physical contact with their babies, which increases the maternal bond between mother and child. I read that babies who are “worn” have a tendency to cry about 50% less than babies who aren’t. I learned that the sling, when worn correctly, can lower backache by more evenly distributing the baby’s weight. I discovered that slinging my baby would allow me to nurse on the go, and even tend to the needs of my eldest child with free hands. I also learned that baby wearing can help prevent hip dysplasia, by helping my child’s hip joints develop deeper sockets. I figured the least I could do was try to sling again when it came time to have Otter.

A good friend of mine made me a Ring Sling, and I put Otter in it within days of his birth. He stayed comfy in his sling. I wore him around the house, out in public, in the grocery store, the park, you name it. I was able to nurse him, even while walking around, because the sling positioned him perfectly for feeding and hid my breasts from view. I can’ tell you how many times I was able to prevent a meltdown during grocery shopping by nursing on the go. Best of all, I could still hold Monkey’s hand when we walked around, and I could play more with her because I had two hands free. I found other uses for the sling as well; I have used it as a last minute picnic blanket, a sunshade when driving in the summer or walking with the stroller, and to secure my baby into a chair as a makeshift high chair at restaurants (once he was old enough to sit on his own).

Otter still loves his sling. He is also a very cheerful, happy baby, who rarely cries. We have seen the benefits of slinging, and I will stick to it if I have any more children. Of course, Otter is over 30 pounds now, so I had to switch from a Ring Sling to a Mei Tai, in order to get some additional weight support when carrying him around. (The Mei Tai crosses over both shoulders, which is helpful in distributing the weight more evenly). The Mei Tai is still small enough to carry in a diaper bag, so I can have it whenever I need it, and it is still significantly cooler than the Baby Bjorn was. It also still allows for skin on skin contact, as there is no huge padded support structure between me and the baby. We have just started wearing Otter in the backpack position, and we both love it. I love feeling his little head snuggle into my back when we are walking, and he enjoys looking around and being close. We alternate between the sling and the mei tai now, depending on how much carrying there is likely to be.

So… To Wear!! That is my answer. Babywearing has turned me into a full-time snuggler, and I am happy to have my baby close whenever I can.

You can visit this post at API Speaks (Tune in tomorrow for our regularly scheduled Haiku Friday and hellish travel day story.)

Spare the crib, spoil thyself…

While taking my one year old son for a stroll a few days ago I stopped into my neighborhood coffee house. I noticed a woman with a similarly aged child sipping a coffee in the corner. We oohed and aahed over the babies and began to talk about our parenting experiences with the fervor of isolated stay at home parents.

“Are you still nursing?”
“Yes I am. It’s just so convenient.”
“Me too, you never have to worry about running out…”
“And it’s always the right temperature!”
“Do you stay at home?”
“Yes, staying at home is so great.”
“Yes, a little isolating, but very rewarding.”

We enjoyed the instant friendship created by our shared experiences, thrilled to have a few minutes to share conversation with an adult in the middle of our child filled day.
She asked me if he was sleeping well at night, as her baby kept getting up around two a.m.
“He sleeps with me, so he gets up some, but I don’t really notice.” I informed her.
“You still sleep with him? You are spoiling him.” She said in a sweet, caught you with a second slice of cake, voice.
“No way,” I responded “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“You’re right,” she said smiling ” you are spoiling yourself.”

She’s right. Like a great massage, or that sexy red pair of cuban heeled shoes, or a box of exclusive chocolates, snuggling up to my baby every night is a treat, and a way I can spoil myself. My daughter turns seven this year, so I know how quickly the baby time goes. I also am fairly certain this is my last child. So there is a part of me that snuggles up to him at night, warm and fuzzy in my bed, and feels like I am catching hold of as much of his chubby babyhood as possible.

For me, attachment parenting is mostly about getting the most out of my children’s childhood as I can. There is also a big laziness component. I like not having to walk the floor for an hour to get my baby to sleep before setting him in his crib. I love not having to get up and heat water for formula when he wakes up hungry at 3 a.m. I like the extra sleep I get by popping a nipple in his mouth when he starts to stir. I don’t have to be very awake to nurse him when we are sleeping side by side. I find slings easier to carry in my diaper bag than strollers. However, as important as these benefits are, the true reason behind my decision to co-sleep, nurse, and baby-wear, is the extra coziness of close contact with my baby.

The baby years seem so long when you are in the middle of them, but in reality they are so fleeting. They crawl before you can get the fog of motherhood out of your head, they walk before you can get used to them crawling, they start to talk about the time you are really understanding their non verbal cues. Suddenly they are two, and stridently demanding their first taste of freedom. Then they are going to school, and a part of their life is lived outside of you. The small precious baby who once required you for everything is suddenly a small person with their own friends, and experiences that you are no part of at all.

So I co-sleep, and nurse, and baby-wear, so I can keep my baby closer to me for just a bit longer.

Visit this post over at Attachment Parenting International’s new blog API Speaks!

Fellow babies unite!

Join the “Up with Babies!” campaign today!
Join me as I fight to insure that no babies are ever put down anywhere, ever again!
No more cribs, no more naps on the couch, or the bed, from now on we will only accept cuddles, baby wearing, and co-sleeping!
If we fall asleep while in the johnny jump up, we will no longer stand to be placed in a safe, comfortable place to continue our nap! We want to stay in the johnny jump up! Or better yet, in your arms, as you pace back and forth across the floor.
Any deviation from these demands will be met with unceasing crying and tearful faces. We have the power of guilt and sound on our side! These demands will be met!

Otter seemed to say…

Another soapbox moment…

It’s time for another foray into the sphere of politics….

BOYCOTT DELTA AND FREEDOM AIRLINES!!

Do not fly Delta Airlines or Freedom Airlines

A woman flying out of Vermont on Freedom Airlines (part of a Delta flight) was kicked off a plane for breastfeeding her 22 month old child, discreetly, in the window seat, with her husband and child in the two seats between her and the aisle. She was not exposing her breast. An airline attendant saw her breastfeeding, offered her a blanket, and when she refused, had a ticket attendant remove her and her family from the flight.
This occurred when Vermont has a law permitting breastfeeding in public. In fact, most, if not all states, have laws permitting women to breastfeed anywhere they have a right to be.

In a culture where we have built an empire around the female breast, why are we afraid of it’s natural functions? We can view naked women with their hands over their breasts, in the grocery stores checkout lines, but we can’t support feeding babies in public? We have female nudity in almost every film above PG-13, we can see it on primetime television, but we freak out if a baby is eating his or her lunch. Come on people!! Grow the hell up! An ungodly number of buildings and statutes are penile in nature, phallic symbols abound in this country. Entire livelihoods are earned by exposing the breast, photographing or filming it. Women are encouraged to wear as little clothing as possible, all the time. Sex is everywhere!! Why in the name of everything innocent and pure is it shocking to feed an infant?

Support breastfeeding. Write letters to Delta, tell them you will not give them your money if they continue to eject breastfeeding moms from their planes. She had a legal right to feed her baby on the plane, she was allowed by law to do so. The federal government supports breastfeeding, they have allocated millions to educate women and men as to the health benefits of doing so. However, in order to achieve these health benefits, women have to be able to feed their children! Babies do not only get hungry in the privacy of their own home.

BOYCOTT PHARMACIES REFUSING TO STOCK PLAN B!!

Next political rant….

Plan B was recently approved by the FDA for over the counter sale to women over the age of 18. It took three years of political battle to get this to happen. Now, of course, many pharmaceutical chains are refusing to stock this contraceptive. Tell them that you will not support them, if they will not support women.

You can send a letter from the NARAL website . I suggest you alter the message to better reflect your beliefs. Here is my letter:

“The FDA has approved the emergency contraceptive Plan B, for over the counter sales to women over the age of 18. I am dismayed to hear there are few pharmacy with plans to stock this medication.

I am a lawyer, a blogger, a member of multiple organizations with thousands of members. These members are bloggers, and members of other organizations. We talk. We tell each other when pharmacies and companies support women, and when they don’t. Most importantly, we shop accordingly. You want our money? You have to consider our interests.

I will not spend a single dime at pharmacies that choose to deny Plan B and Birth Control to women. I will tell others not to spend their money at these pharmacies. We will take our money elsewhere.”

We have to support each other if we are going to affect change. Use your voices, use your computers, use you wallet. Tell people you will only support people who support you.

Oddly, Walmart is the only chain so far who will stock the drug. It is one of the first things they have done that I can support. Tell Wal-Mart you approve of this action, even if they have committed other actions you do not approve of. (I am still not likely to shop there, but they are trying to change, and I would like to see them continue.)

Thank you for allowing some political posturing. Back to babies announcements tonight. We find out what kind of baby we are having this afternoon. Other than a brilliant, healthy, wonderful one of course, we already know that.