Category Archives: frustration

The third person

I believe I have hit upon the reason mom’s refer to themselves in the third person. For example:
“Mommy is busy right now honey, please wait until I am done.”
“No honey, Mommy can’t turn the t.v. up right now, Mommy is in the shower.”
“Mommy is still in the shower honey, I can’t get to the remote right now! Please wait until I am out of the shower!!”

It is in part do to the interaction with the infant, but I think it is really because mommies have three personalities, therefore Mommy is personality number three, the third person.

My first person is a young woman who loves to go dancing, stay up until dawn, smoke cigarettes and toss back one too many tequila shots. Sadly, she was put into a coma about 6 years and 9 months ago, so the chances of anyone seeing her again are slim. However, she occasionally invades my consciousness with a sweet memory and the smell of freedom, often when I am driving in the rain and turn the music up a little louder than I should.

My second person is a serious lawyer ready and able to save the world. She is dedicated, tireless, and armed with the tools needed to wreak havoc on opposing council. She wears sexy yet serious business suits and sensible heels. She is witty at cocktail parties and political functions, and still amazes her husband with her intellectual prowess and social capabilities.

My third person is a mom. She is always there for tears, problem solving, lunch making, real and imagined insults, boo boo kisses, and upset tummies. She cleans the house, buys the groceries, prepares the food. She showers at night because she is usually showered in baby spit up several times during the day. She is a napkin, a washcloth, and more. She doesn’t sleep, hasn’t worn make-up in months, and lost her ability to put together a decent outfit ages ago. She is an expert in getting smiles and giggles, diffusing kiddo stress and consternation, and removing stains from laundry. She can change a really messy diaper in under three minutes with only three or four wipes.

However, she is the hardest personality to acknowledge and accept. She is much more disheveled than the other two parts of me, much more emotional, and seemingly less capable, though really, she is just dealing with more. After all, how often does a lawyer have to handle complex billing negotiations with a screaming baby vomiting on their suit? How many young and carefree women have to schlep children through the grocery store?

Anyway, the reason I think I refer to this third personality in third person is simple, it places distance between the sleepless, pale, disheveled mad woman in the mirror and myself. After all, carefree woman and slick lawyer are rarely interrupted in the shower by anyone for any reason, much less a six year old needing help with the television.

I really am still the young carefree woman and the slick lawyer. They are just currently hidden behind a river of baby spit up and burp cloths. Until I can see them again, or at least small parts of them, I will likely still continue to refer to the rest of me, that tired, spit up covered woman, in the third person.

My saga of the "single" parent continues…

Remember the comment about the nice, calm, non-insane dogs?

Well I take it back! Andy got out of the yard today, leaving me wondering how the hell I am supposed to chase down a dog while carrying a 6 week old infant and trailing a 5 year old girl. The truth is, I can’t chase down Andy with an infant, I can hardly chase her down in supremely good condition with a team of four adults! Luckily, after only an hour of imagining her dead by the side of the road, (or worse, imagining the civil liability caused by a run away dog and families out for an evening stroll), the escape artist returned to the front door and barked politely to be let in. I swear to god I felt like answering the door and acting like I didn’t know her. Unfortunately it would have had an effect on no one but me, although it might have made me feel better nonetheless.

Otter has created his own “Buns of Steel” workout routine. He likes to be seated on my lap with my legs supporting his back and gently rocked back and forth. I think it mimics the motion of the car. Unfortunately, it really begins to tire out my legs, stomach, and glutes, especially after the hour of rocking he required today. (Size non-hippo here I come!)

Monkey was given a trip to the Evil Place for dinner as a treat because I am too tired to care about feeding her food completely devoid of any nutritional value. It’s one night, she will live. However, after this abnormal treat she still threw a massive screaming fit at bedtime, this time waking up the baby.

The same baby who had been crying and fussing for the previous hour, and had finally nursed himself to sleep. The baby who then cried and fussed for another hour until I got him to sleep only to be awakened by the cat stepping on him. He was so traumatized by said cat attack that he needed to nurse for another 40 minutes before he could sleep again, a nursing punctuated by loud yowling complaints and emphatic cries between suckles. When he was asleep this time my phone began to ring, and ring, and ring. It normally goes to voice mail after two rings, but tonight, the night from hell, it didn’t go to voice mail at all. So I woke him up answering the phone, which required another half hour of nursing. Happily it was Hatchet on the phone, so I got to recharge my weary mommy soul with the love and commiseration of one of my favorite friends. Thereafter my night began to get better.

Now he is asleep, she is asleep, the dogs are all inside, the cats are sleeping, I have had beer and adult conversation, and I might actually make it until Lee’s return without going into a corner of my house, wrapping my arms around my legs, and rocking back and forth chanting “I am an orange… I am an orange.”

The thing that is most unfair is that I can never leave Lee alone with the baby, Monkey, three dogs and three cats for five days while I am away at a cool conference in a chic city enjoying evenings out at funky bars with naked women on trapezes. I am the baby’s sole source of nourishment, so the most I can do is leave him with Lee for an hour while I get a haircut. After the past five days I want him to have to suffer too Damnit!

Since he can’t, there should be some sort of extra goody for me in lieu of equal suffering. I should get extra foot rubs, or more control over the tv remote, or more work-free orgasms. (Okay, to be honest, I would have to have any desire whatsoever for sexual activity in order to have more orgasms, work-free or otherwise, and frankly, I don’t. I had an 11 pound 6 ounce baby without any medication. I currently never intend to have sex again, thank you very much. There is nothing like natural childbirth to make one wary of the penis. It is a sneaky beast and cannot be trusted.)

Lee will be home tomorrow morning around 9 am, so I am in the home stretch. All I have to do it make through tonight, and then I can go back to being the sole caretaker of all these creatures for only 8-10 hours a day, instead of 24. With Lee back, maybe I can actually get a haircut so I stop dragging the ends of my hair through puddles of spit up!

Timeliness…

Why can’t I leave the house on time in the morning?

Maybe it’s because I have a bad habit of failing to set my alarm some mornings, though this can’t be entirely at fault as my Kitten Alarm climbs on my head and begins to purr anywhere from an hour to twenty minutes before I would hear my actual alarm anyway.

Okay, it could be that once I am awake, it takes an act of god to get the small person motivated enough to dress and eat. Even today, when she was very self sufficient and got herself dressed in the first five minutes of the morning, there were a series of child delays that struck the timeliness off our morning.
For example:

After clothes have been donned but before the application of shoes and socks:

Monkey : Mommy, it’s Easter!!
Me: No sweetie, easter is in March.
Monkey: But Mommy, Papa said on the phone it was easter.
Me: Well honey, Papa was wrong, easter is in March.
Monkey: Oh, that’s in three days, right?
Me: No honey, it’s in three months. Could you please finish getting dressed and ready for school?
Monkey: Okay mommy!!

Five Minutes Later…

Monkey: Mommy, when I was asleep last night, I felt a dark shadow over me!
(At this moment I was struck with the images of a thousand horror movies watched while a young adult…. in retrospect, not such a good influence on my imagination after all.)
Me: refocused on child Are your teeth brushed?
Monkey: It was the easter bunny I think!!
Me: Honey, easter isn’t for another three months, you probably felt the cat. Have you brushed your teeth?
Monkey: It wasn’t the cat Mommy!! It was a dark shadow and I think it was the easter bunny.
Me: Monkey. You need to brush your teeth, once you are completely ready for school and eating your breakfast, then you can tell me all about the dark shadow.
Monkey: Okay mommy!!

Is it me, or is there an inherent ability in children to have flights of fancy any time you are already running late? Where the heck did all this easter stuff come from anyway? Argh!!

Of course, once she was at the table fully ready for school she was too busy kicking the table leg, banging the tabletop, and talking about the dark shadow of the impending easter bunny to actually consume enough food to last her until lunch. Which means I will hear from her teacher that she complained of a tummy ache for the hour before lunch.

Do you think the teacher will believe her tummy ache was caused by easter bunny anxiety?