Getting through the holiday season is like walking around with a backpack on. Oh yeah, and that backpack is full of rocks. You initially start the season with a rock or two in it if you are lucky but by the time New Years Day comes along your backpack is filled to the brim with nasty ass rocks and you are nearly crushed under the weight of it.

It begins with the normal spoonie issues; a. making sure you rest enough to handle the additional socializing, present getting, baking, cleaning, etc. b. making sure you eat right so you don’t trigger anything, c. making sure you get enough exercise, d. making sure you have rescue meds on board.

Once you have those dominoes in place you sit back, cross your fingers, and push the first domino down. Being a smart spoonie you started planning for gifts early, you ordered most of them online, you did everything you could think of to avoid a store during the Christmas season. Inevitably, like death and taxes, there was somewhere you ended up having to go to make sure you didn’t actually forget that cousin or family friend you can never remember to buy for but who always gets you something. You went into a very busy store with very florescent lights and very loud holiday music chock full of very tired and angry people. You left with what you needed and a few extra rocks in your backpack. You came home, you wrapped said gift. You sat and felt the added weight settle around your shoulders.

Next you attended a holiday event. You shifted the backpack around so it was at it’s most comfortable and tried your best to ignore the extra weight you were carrying as you put on your very best smile and tried to engage in meaningful small talk with people you do actually love to see and talk with. You tried your best to make sure the backpack full of rocks wasn’t really noticeable. You laughed and enjoyed yourself, shifting the rocks around from time to time to reduce stress on your back and neck. When you got home that night you crawled into bed and noticed that some asshole had slipped another rock into the damn backpack.

Maybe you baked pie or cookies or made dinner next. Perhaps you cleaned your house so when people came by they wouldn’t find out what a desperate slob you are when your choices are rest or cleaning. Despite all your best planning and careful practice you suddenly find yourself spending spoon after spoon on things you hadn’t planned on spending them on. Your kids are hyped up because PRESENTS!! and your pets are peeing on the floor because it’s really cold outside and who would want to pee out there? and your trying to keep up with mundane tasks like laundry in addition to everything else and you keep falling into bed so tired you are pretty sure you were sleeping during the last half of the day.

Each task adds a rock to your backpack and every time you begin a new task you have a harder time ignoring the huge weight pulling at you. You take your rescue meds and hope you can still enjoy some of what the holiday has left to offer. You manage to engage but now everyone can see how heavy your backpack is and you are having to rest a lot and can’t participate as much as you would like. You start having the conversations about your health and disappointing all the hopeful faces who really want your being there to mean you feel great. You struggle to hide as much of the discomfort as possible so as not to take up too much emotional space during the holidays.

Finally you long for January 1st when you can crawl back into your cave and hide until you have emptied all the rocks from your backpack and are once again thinking you can emerge into the world without appearing to be miserable.

You had fun, you saw loved ones, you made memories and you are so glad it’s over.

One of the hardest things for me to do when I became chronically ill was keep a ‘chin up’ attitude. I felt put upon all the time. It was grossly unfair for me to hurt so much, to lose so much, to feel so isolated, etc. It was at it’s worse whenever I got sick or the kids got sick, or something fell apart. It felt like I was already dealing with so much why did this thing have to happen too?

It took years. I had to cancel Facebook for six months. I had to hide away from mostly everyone in my life for a while. I had to adjust to the new normal so that hurting all day every day was the baseline, and one I could actually work from.

I did it. I am here. I can smile and feel pretty damn lucky about my life even though I have chronic illnesses.

There is only one nemesis out there that still wins in the battle over my cheerfulness. The common cold.

I hate the common cold. I become a whiny put-upon little bitch when I have cold. I don’t know if it’s because a low fever makes my already achy body screamingly achy or if it’s because colds seem to bring out the small child in all of us but I cannot keep a smile on my face when I am sick.

It feels like I am being kicked when I’m already down. It’s as though I have come to terms with feeling yucky all of the time so damn it world don’t make it worse! How much yucky can one person take?

I also struggle more when I’m sick because I can’t do the minimal things I normally do, so it feels like a backwards slide into the years of being able to do very little indeed. Of course then I risk flare ups when I feel better because I have that urge to ‘make up for’ the days I missed when I was sick.

So despite years of mentally preparing myself of a very different life from the one I imagined, I am basically a puppy when it comes to colds. Nature is a big bully who just took my chew toy, kicked me in the head, and is pointing and laughing while I whimper pathetically on the ground. Viruses are jerks.

I was going to write a blog post about something but as soon as I sat down to do so the topic flew my mind.

Here I am, computer in lap, preparing to wax poetic on something pertaining to … well … something, and instead my mind is a blank slate. White. Clean. Boring.

Don’t you hate losing the ability to think? It’s making me quite insane!!

Ah yes… it’s coming back to me a little. I was going to write about things we can do to make the world a better place, even if we have little energy to leave the house. Take that fog!

I was shopping for holiday gifts when I realized I was doing two good things for the world while doing so. On AmazonSmile a portion of my purchases goes to a charity of my choice (for me it’s always the Southern Plains Land Trust) every time I buy something. I buy more Joint Comfort Tea, SPLT gets a small percentage. I buy a new hot water bottle, more money to my chosen charity. A tiny bit of good doing for absolutely no extra spoons.

Then I popped over to The Rainforest Site and started clicking the buttons. The GreaterGood store has some pretty awesome stuff that is fair trade and benefits animals, the environment, veterans, the hungry, and many more. Best of all, all you have to do is go to the website and click their pretty shiny buttons every day to make a difference. You can go further and do your shopping there to increase your impact but if you don’t you still make a difference.

These got me thinking about FreeRice.com, where you can practice your vocabulary and stretch your brain (which I obviously need) while donating rice to the hungry. For free. You can do it in other languages too, which is how I started practicing my Spanish.

So there, three things you can do from your bed while you feel like shit to make the world a better place. If you can remember to.

Now where did I put my phone…