Tag Archives: chronicpain

A choice to keep going anyway.

That’s where I ended up.

After 15 years of tests, medication failures,  painful treatments, expensive doctors.

I ended up with a diagnosis science poorly understands and a palliative care team.

And a choice to keep going anyway.

I am in pain every day. All day every day. Sometimes the pain is only as distracting as a well behaved toddler while you’re at the grocery store. It demands my attention constantly but doesn’t melt down. If I apply mindfulness techniques I can accept it’s presence and live with it along side me.

While I paint, clean, have coffee, exercise, socialize, drive, care for others, whatever I do.

Some days it’s a teenager who is out hours past curfew. Keeping me from sleep as I toss and turn waiting for the magical moment I can actually safely drop off.

It is never gone and there is no cure for it.

My life got livable again when I stopped looking for one and accepted my pain as part of my existence. When I relearned my body’s limitations and stopped trying to recover my old me.

When I made the choice to keep going anyway.

A new approach to chronic pain.

I’m scared.

Despite being reassured that this disease doesn’t directly cause muscle weakness I’m seeing post after post about my fellow SFNers losing muscle strength.

I have days when my legs feel weak and wobbly, when my hands would rather throw things than grasp them.

I don’t want to lose my mobility.

So I’m going to get moving. Every day.

Regardless of how I feel I’m going to move. I have a vibration plate for days when all I can do is stand there, a rock stepper for days when I can do more, an infinity hoop to work out my core, a GI Board for balance, and a tiny new thigh master thingy for those days when I can’t get out of bed.

I also, of course, have my dog. He prefers the long walks around the neighborhood but those require good days.

Every day I have to do something though. No more doing nothing.

This body of mine is a complex machine that needs more maintenance than most and I’m going to maintain it.

So I apologize in advance for any Spoonie Workout posts. Just know I’m not affiliated with anybody so any recommendations are because I actually use the thing. If I ever get lucky enough to be affiliated with someone I’ll tell you up front.

We don’t have the luxury of waiting to get better.

There is no better.

This is it.

So get moving.

Today we are 50…

Nearly 20 years into the onset of my disease I feel accomplished to be here.

It’s been a long, difficult road with pain my most stalwart companion.

However, as I enter the second half of my life I want to remember some of my most important lessons from the first half.

Spend time with the people you love when you can.

Make time to be alone.

Create strange, wonderful, silly things.

Make mistakes, lots of mistakes.

Try everything.

Don’t let someone else define you.

Keep company with furry creatures.

Find time to be in nature.

Move your body.

There are tastier and healthier greens than kale, especially if you forage. (Purslane and lamb’s quarter for example)

Find people who share your experience.

Grief doesn’t go away, it just gets weirder.

Love never dies.

I’m sure there’s more but it’s a chilly morning and I have coffee and infusions in an hour.

I guess that’s another one, try not to schedule infusions on your fiftieth birthday.