Castor oil doesn’t work for me…

At all!! Nope, not a bit. I am still pregnant. Getting more pregnant every day!! Oh boy yes am I pregnant!! You know what I never want to do again?? Get pregnant!!!!

Let’s see, updates and news from the hugely, massively, was just given my own zip code, pregnant.

Well… I fell and hit my head on a chair at the beginning of the week, so I have been lying down with a headache and ice on my skull watching Veronica Mars for three days. (Ben, thank you for Veronica Mars, I have now purchased the second season, as I finished the first in your estimated three day time frame.) I had the doctor look at the head injury and she thinks I bruised it far beneath the skin and should just take it easy. For the most part, I can move around for about an hour now before I get a headache and want to go lie down. Yesterday I added a stuffy nose to the increasing list of late pregnancy discomforts.

I have managed to gain nine pounds in six days. I am assured by highly qualified medical personnel that this is water weight gain, however, my doctor may have been trying to talk me down off a ledge when she made that assurance as I was completely freaking out. (I mean come ON, that is a pound and a half a day!!) However, I am inclined to believe her due to the cocktail sausage-esque nature of my toes and fingers. It’s a good thing I can’t really see my feet. It is also a good thing that I removed my aircraft grade titanium wedding band and engagement ring many months ago, as there are no area hospitals with the tools required to cut them off.

Monkey has caught a cold or something and has been tucked into bed with a fever and many kisses. We are supposed to go to Ellen’s and dye Easter Eggs tomorrow, so I am hoping she is better when we wake up. If not, it will be the broken caring for the sick as I hobble between her room and mine. (Another day wishing my mother were here. Oh mom, why did I move so far away?)

I did leave the house today for the aforementioned visit with the doctor, so I met Lee for lunch at his office and got a new shirt at Marshalls. It is a lovely shirt, that sadly, does not make me look smaller. Of course, this is because nothing would make me look smaller, except perhaps standing me next to the Titanic, or the Goodyear Blimp, or another similarly large object. There is no more masking the enormity of my belly with “sleek” black maternity clothes and trying for cute. I am officially huge. My very face and neck look pregnant. I have grown past the capacity of most of my maternity clothes and am considering living in my pajama’s for the next several days.

I may have to consider the fact that I may the first woman in history who never actually goes into labor. Ellen’s husband Dan assures me a very good living on the talk show circuit if that is the case, so I suppose every cloud has a silver lining.

We go back to visit the doctor on Monday, if I am still in this state of advanced gestation, and we will “develop a plan” at that time. This is doctor speak for, “Sorry you spent $400.00 on a birthing tub for an all natural water birth, but if we have to induce you there is no way you are giving birth in the water.” Sigh. I should have considered that before investing in the tub, but maybe I can jump up and down a lot tomorrow and go into labor that way.

Hope all is well with everyone,

Yours patiently waiting to deliver in New Jersey.

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4 thoughts on “Castor oil doesn’t work for me…”

  1. Poor thing!

    OK, riddle me this: if all they need to do is to strip your membranes to break the amniotic sac, why can’t you have a water birth after that?

    I mean, under “normal” circumstances, wouldn’t you get into a water bath after your sac had broken?

    Just color me confused!

    See, I’m still all for the pogo stick action! Maybe it’s time to go for a hike? Big physical stress to the body – clearly whacking your head wasn’t going to work. : ) Sneeze really hard or something.

    I love you kid!

  2. Something amusing to me about sneezing and then “bloop!”… baby.

    Maybe I just have some Monty Python in mind….

  3. Well, it is a whole body convulsion sort of move, sneezing. Maybe it would trigger her or something?

    Then, POW! Baby! Well, we can hope. The castor oil failed and she’s never taken me seriously about the pogo-stick!

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