Insomnia brings an epiphany.
I haven’t had insomnia since Marlena was born, I suppose because I haven’t slept much at all since she was born. It’s not all her fault, a big part of that is due to the various degree’s of higher education I have obtained since she entered the world.
Tonight’s insomnia came to me like an old friend. I used to suffer from this loathsome and annoying condition often in my youth. When afflicted with the inability to sleep as an adult, I would read or watch t.v. to while away the hours. As a child I would rearrange my furniture in the middle of the night.
Tonight I snuck into Marlena’s room and cleaned it. Then I lay in bed listening to my husband and baby snore and waited for sleep. It didn’t come. So here I am, writing to all of you, and eating some cream of wheat with soymilk. I miss real milk. A lot.
(Marlena’s bday party was successful today, but I will save that post for tomorrow, when I can post all the pictures with it.)
While lying in bed and listening to the rumbles of the men in my life I began to think about my body. Having just had a baby I am squishy and pudgy. I have dark marks down my stomach and I am pretty sure my breasts sag more each day. I look in the mirror while naked and I am a far cry from my supple teenage body of yore.
Tonight I realized something very important. I don’t care. I think I have a beautiful body. I love my body. My body has done the most amazing thing in my life, twice. I have grown two entire human beings. They came from me fully formed, with eyes, and ears, toes and fingers, and great personalities. They think things seperate from me and they have their own ideas. They will grow to have their own seperate lives. Their own children.
My body grew people. Real people. These real people:
I love that my breasts look like they have nourished and are nourishing children. I love that my nipples are long and dark and my skin is marked with silver streaks. These breasts of mine have made the most amazing babies. They have fed them for hours of the most wonderful snuggly nursing.
I love that my stomach and thighs have stretch marks. My stomach grew two people. My babies came to life inside my stomach and grew to be strong and healthy. They would not be here if it weren’t for those stretch marks.
I don’t care that I don’t look like a young girl anymore, or that I am squishy and pudgy. My body is one that grew and sustained lives, and those lives love to hug and snuggle me as I am.
Thank you body, for everything you have given me. Thank you for being squishy and saggy and floppy. Thank you for being strong and able. Thank you for my life.