I am a comfort food person. When I have the flu I want soup, when my heart is hurting I want rich, spicy, Indian food and when I have been struggling for a long time with pain or illness I want a treat. I have a strong relationship with food and feeling better.

Right now I am in a really big fight with food and I am finding myself uncomforted by its existence. Right now between the knotty intestines and the Topomax my usual treatment for not feeling well for a long period of time has turned into a looping internal monologue of disappointment and disillusionment.

“Man it’s been a long couple of weeks. I sure could use a scone and some tea to perk myself up.”
“Yep, except the scone would taste like shit and the tea would taste like shit and you’d just end up throwing them both up so why don’t you just skip the eating and drinking part and do something else?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”

It has sucked. I have had this looping conversation in my head dozens of times a day and the longer this goes on the more I have it!

Worse, one of the other coping mechanisms I have for feeling better is lighting incense or using a scent infuser but now everything smells awful so the only thing I can really do to bring myself a little peace is cleaning and while the end result is pleasant the task doesn’t really feel like pampering.

Maybe I need new books. Or a stasis device I can go into for the next 30 days.