Category Archives: #eatingissues

Uncomfort-food…

I am a comfort food person. When I have the flu I want soup, when my heart is hurting I want rich, spicy, Indian food and when I have been struggling for a long time with pain or illness I want a treat. I have a strong relationship with food and feeling better.

Right now I am in a really big fight with food and I am finding myself uncomforted by its existence. Right now between the knotty intestines and the Topomax my usual treatment for not feeling well for a long period of time has turned into a looping internal monologue of disappointment and disillusionment.

“Man it’s been a long couple of weeks. I sure could use a scone and some tea to perk myself up.”
“Yep, except the scone would taste like shit and the tea would taste like shit and you’d just end up throwing them both up so why don’t you just skip the eating and drinking part and do something else?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”

It has sucked. I have had this looping conversation in my head dozens of times a day and the longer this goes on the more I have it!

Worse, one of the other coping mechanisms I have for feeling better is lighting incense or using a scent infuser but now everything smells awful so the only thing I can really do to bring myself a little peace is cleaning and while the end result is pleasant the task doesn’t really feel like pampering.

Maybe I need new books. Or a stasis device I can go into for the next 30 days.

Clue x 4…

I admit that sometimes I can be a little dense. It’s less an awareness thing and more an OCD classification/categorization thing. Also occasionally an overthinking thing.

For example; when I was in law school I went to see the gynecologist for a routine checkup and spent 15 minutes agonizing over the question on the intake form “Could you be pregnant? Yes or No?”
See, I was sexually active and while I did have an IUD there was statistically a .09% chance I could be pregnant, which is what I said to the receptionist at the front desk when I asked her advice as to how to best answer the question. She, of course, asked me if I was pregnant. I said “No.” She said “Circle the no.” You could hear her eyes roll all the way in Africa.

So I get that sometimes the way my mind works differs greatly from the way everyone else’s minds work, so it was no surprise to me that I only clued in to the fact that I am legitimately really quite sick yesterday while my whole family has been acutely aware of this fact for the past two weeks.

From their perspective I have been losing weight drastically, can’t eat more than 500 or 600 calories a day, have a hard time getting out of bed or leaving the house, and feel like I have the flu most of the time.

From my perspective, until yesterday, I only have a month to go until the doctor can actually fix what is wrong with me this time and therefore it’s not really that bad.

See for the past seven years every time I have gone to the doctor with a new or worsening symptom I have been given a new horrible medication and the explanation that my chronic illnesses are still kind of not well understood, lifelong, incurable, and will fuck me up forever so when I went in to see the doc about the fact that my intestines have wrapped around an adhesion in my abdomen left over from my hysterectomy and he said “No problem, we can remove that with surgery and you’ll be fine.” I was FREAKING CELEBRATING!!

I had a medical issue that could be fixed with relative ease in a relatively short amount of time with a really short recovery time!! This isn’t being sick! This is amazing!!

So that was my state of mind of the past two weeks as my family fretted over me and I hummed and buzzed about cheerfully not eating and being curled up in heated blankets and generally feeling yucky but knowing it was ACTUALLY TEMPORARY and WOULD END SOON and I WAS GOING TO IMPROVE!!

Then yesterday as my husband and I prepared for him to go back to work for the week I asked if we could spend fifteen minutes cleaning up so I could have a pleasant room to convalesce in.

Fifteen minutes.

I vacuumed. Moved a few items to the trash. Put my clothes in a hamper.

I broke into a heavy sweat and nearly passed out. I had to lie down.

That’s when I turned to my dearest love and said:
“Shit, I’m really sick aren’t I?”

To his eternal credit he wasn’t snarky at all when he responded. All he said as he sat next to me, took my hand, and held it was:
“Yes honey, you are. I’ve been fretting over you.”

My kinky side…

I’ve lost ten pounds in the last nine days because I can’t eat more than a few hundred calories. Every day I can eat less than the day before because every day my stomach shrinks and my sense of feeling fuller happens after less food and my sense of “OMG I’m going to pull a Exorcist at the table” happens after fewer and fewer bites.

Today it was half an avocado for breakfast. I didn’t even make it all the way through before I felt ill.
For lunch I drank a protein shake and felt pretty good about finishing it before I realized it only had 190 calories and not the 390 I thought it did.
Then I managed a whole 5 Hershey’s kisses.
Just now I ate 1/2 of dinner consisting of cream of broccoli soup mixed with ground beef, steamed veggies, and nutritional yeast.

I feel as though I have eaten Thanksgiving dinner. I’m trying not to hurl.

Only four and a half more weeks until surgery to fix the “kink in my hose” as the surgeon described the portion of my small intestine wrapped around scar tissue in my abdomen. Until then it’s my own personal version of Biggest Loser, Starvation Edition.

To add a fun element to the party I am tapering up on Topomax which kills the hunger signal, makes me feel full(er), AND makes every taste as though my mouth is coated in blood or pennies. (As an aside, I would not make a good vampire. Their diet is disgusting. There will be no Un-Deading it for THIS girl.)

So I am also popping pills every night that make eating even more difficult and less fun. Further, the pills make me feel as though I have the flu so I have spent the past week feeling all over body aches and bone and joint pain well beyond the normal Fibro party.

Kids, Don’t do Drugs. They seriously mess with you.

Well my husband just arrived with a nice bottle of wine from the 19 Crimes collection. I will probably have a sip or two before I am tempted to spit it out as it will taste revolting BUT damnit I will have some!!!

Stay safe loves.

UPDATE: The wine tasted like soap. SOAP! Everything else tastes like copper but the wine tastes soapy? I couldn’t even manage to sip enough to get the slightest bit loopy, even on so few calories. I feel cheated.