Category Archives: health

health, pregnancy

I don’t want to do this anymore…

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I changed my mind!!

32 weeks pregnant and 8 left to go (or 10 if you count from conception.)

How can 8 weeks seem like so long when 32 weeks have already passed? Is it because I can’t get out of my couch without assistance or much grunting? Could it be that I am anticipating returning to life without frequent bathroom trips, a life where I can once again sleep on my stomach or back? (When I sleep at all!)

These last 8 weeks seem like forever! The time between now and April 1st is an eternity! Argh!

However, there are reasons that make me happy about the time left in this pregnancy. Lee and I have started preparing for childbirth, and I am scared!

I know I have strong ideas about experiencing birth naturally, entering laborland, letting my instinctual self take over and having this baby without the assistance of drugs. I really want to do this, it bothers me on some level that I have a child already, and couldn’t honestly tell you what it feels like to give birth. However, I discovered a truth the other day, while I would like to have this natural birth experience, I would much rather have no birth experience at all!

I don’t mean a birth experience with drugs that reduce or eliminate pain, I mean, none at all. Which is why I turned to my husband last night and said “I change my mind.” He responded that it was too late for that. Grumble.

See the problem is that the closer I get to D-Day, the more I remember what it felt like to get the feeling back after Monkey was born. Ha ha ha. I remember the huge overdose of epidural medication finally wearing off, and then feeling as though a truck had driven through my vagina. Ouch! Walking hurt, sitting was completely out of the question. The only thing I liked was the numbing spray they gave me for my stitches. (Yes, stitches, there are NEVER supposed to be stitches in your vagina. If you are male, sympathize with me by imagining them in your penis. Groans and winces are appreciated here.)

I remember pain memory, even though I was not a part of the physical event that caused the pain. I think I am more afraid of this birth experience, simply because I have no physical recollection of that last one. They screwed up so much stuff with my first birth. They induced me when I likely didn’t need it, and drugged me with narcotics to help me sleep. This sent me into labor, but I was too drugged to wake up except during contractions, so after god knows how long, I gasped out “epidural” and finally woke to no pain. Until it wore off. Then they gave me so much, I couldn’t move at all. I had to cough Monkey out, because that was the only way I could get my muscles to push! After she was born, I couldn’t walk for eight hours.

By the time the feeling came back, I was completely unprepared for it. How could I be? All I had was the memory of watching myself give birth, which in itself was very cool, but I couldn’t even imagine what it felt like. So when my nerves awoke, and began to complain, it was bad.

I am hoping this time I will understand what birth did to my body, and will be more prepared to give it the time and understanding it needs to heal. I hope I will not be left wondering forever what birth feels like. At the same time, I really don’t want to go through it again! I am finally, at 32 weeks, afraid of it.

Happily, Lee has really come through this time. He turned to me and told me he would be shocked if I hadn’t been afraid. He told me he was afraid, and it wasn’t even his body that would be going through it. I felt better knowing he didn’t expect me to be excited about this, and have no fear. I suppose there are very few experiences in life that are this intense, fear should be one of the feelings we have during it.

Still, anyone want to volunteer to do it for me?? Anyone??

health, Monkey

Blood tells all…

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Okay, so in this case, blood tells nothing. Monkey’s bloodwork has come back just fine!! Nothing scary, that can be discovered in a blood scan, is going on with my baby. Of course, she is still tired and has an occasional fever, but for now my mommy alarm is satisfied enough to give her another relaxed week at home with plenty of healthy food and sleep to see if the problem corrects itself.

If not, we will be back in the doc’s office, smiling inanely and saying, something is still not right, fix it please.

I am relieved.

Blessed be to all of you, enjoy your remaining holiday moments.

M

health, Monkey
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A week between posts, an ear infection, and scary fatigue…

Well it’s been a week between posts because I have been struck down with an ear infection and have been attempting to listen to and empower my inner voice.

Monkey has been tired for over two weeks. Not just tired, but sleeping after school when left to her own devices, going to bed early at night, and then looking as though she hasn’t slept in a week. She is manic when she is awake, and starts getting dark circles under her eyes and yawning before 3:00. She has complained to her teacher about tummy aches and generally not feeling well for days on end. She has become a regular at the nurse’s office, but is always sent back to class, because no one can find anything wrong with her.

I have been trying to let her rest, have been making sure she eats well, and have been experiencing a growing sense of disquiet for the past two weeks. Yesterday I finally reached the point when I couldn’t chalk it up to stress or lack of sleep. I finally took her to the doctor. He was nice, he listened. He didn’t put on the patient face most doctor’s get when a mom walks into their office and says “something isn’t right with my child.” He heard me, and examined her, and told me to treat her with cold medicine and come back after Christmas if she wasn’t better for blood work. It sounded very sensible and logical. It made perfect sense in the light of day. But last night, when I checked on her, and saw her pale little face, dark circles present even in sleep, it was the dumbest plan in the world.

I called again today. I walked into his office and begged him not to make me wait until Christmas was over to test her blood. I told him I was willing to be the mom who over-reacted, the mom who was wrong, as long as I wasn’t the mom who spent every night for the next week wondering if something was really, really wrong. The mom who spent Christmas trying to quiet the voice that trots out all the scary reasons for her fatigue, instead of the likely ones.

Let’s face it, when the voice in your head starts sounding alarm bells, it’s not because she might be anemic or have mono, it’s because a tiny little voice reminds you that fatigue can be an indication of cancer, lukemia, and other life ending dieseases that you do not want to spend the holiday season rationalizing away.

I spent last night crying because something was wrong with my baby. Something was out of place. Something wasn’t right. She was not okay. I have no idea what it is. It could be as simple as the flu, but it wasn’t the flu that had me peeking in on her over and over again. It was fear.

Luckily, the doctor treated me for it. He took her blood today, and promised me to check her for everything scary. I was so grateful, I almost cried.