Category Archives: Motherhood/body image

Hormones and Dreams…

I had the worst dream last night. It was one of those dreams where you are walking through your house into your bedroom and you just have this sinking feeling that you are going to find something horrible on the other side. Every step was in slow motion as I walked towards the door, I opened it and on the bed was a shirt of Lee’s. The room smelled vaguely of women’s perfume and the shirt has a lipstick stain on it.

The rest of the dream consisted of vignettes of me trying to figure out what to do, me crying, me packing up the kids and moving back in with my parents, etc. I woke up cranky and depressed. There is nothing like a cheating nightmare to make a brand new mommy feel squishier and less secure than the day before. Why is it that I feel less pretty, and therefore in a sick way (that has nothing to do with logic and reason) less valuable to my husband, when I have an extra 40 pounds of perfectly valid baby wieght on my frame?

It is not as though I gained this weight eating nachos and watching daytime soap operas. I grew an 11 pound 6 ounce baby for the love of Pete! Then I birthed him! I should feel like a rock star, or like MVP at the very least.

On the happy front, I lost 9 pounds in just under three weeks, so his eating habits are helping me creep back toward my pre-baby weight. Of course, then I will be back to attempting to lose the law school weight, but no one is perfect.

I am breathing… cleansing breaths… my dream was not indicative of reality, it was all a subconcious hormone induced nightmare.

I am getting a haircut tomorrow. I will post pictures.

Thank you

From an unexpected source…

First of all, thanks to all who commented on my last post, I appreciate having a village of women who will rally ’round and support me in my final months of grazing and lowing. I could not do it without you ladies.

As evidenced by my last post, I have been feeling like a large beached mammal more than a lovely woman, so I was pleasantly surprised to be given a self esteem pick me up from an unexpected source today.

I was in the checkout line of the Whole Foods today buying milk. I was dressed in my usual late trimester uniform, ponytail, no make-up, yoga pants and front tie shirt. The woman behind me leaned over and asked when I was due. I told her the first of April and expected to get the normal sympathetic look or questions about whether or not it’s my first child, the usual checkout line chatter. Instead she told me that she thought I was just lovely, and looked so comfortable and proud of being pregnant. She then handed me her card, informing me she was a photographer specializing in pregnancy and families, and asked if I would model for her.

I was stunned, here I was at my most schlubby, feeling like a giant beached mammal, and this wonderful woman was asking me to model for her. I told her that the black hid a lot, which was part of it’s beauty, she laughed, told me to take her card and think about it. I muttered something about thinking about it, thanked her, and wandered into the parking lot.

Needless to say I checked her out online, and called her immediately thereafter to say yes. She wants me to bring my yoga clothes, wear whatever make up I normally wear, and be comfortable. Not only does she want me to model, but she actually wants ME to model for her, not me covered in piles of correcting fluid.

It was really nice to get a compliment of this nature from a stranger. I get told I am lovely by Lee and my family and friends, but let’s face it, if I actually was a beached mammal you would all tell me how lovely I was in order to make me feel better, so the stranger compliment is more successful at perking up my self image.

Anyway, I am off Wednesday of next week to capture me in all my pregnant glory. I am excited to see how she sees me when the photos are finished.

Not really baby blues…..

More like baby shock. As the day of Otter’s arrival approaches, I keep getting these flashes of reality… I am having a baby. Another person. Who will he be? What will he be like?

There is something disconcerting about growing someone inside your body for nine months and still knowing very little about him. It seems as though I should have a very in depth knowledge of this little guy, and while I know we are already bonded, and that this bond will continue to grow, it still feels strange to think I will be meeting him for the first time in about a month.

I remember when Monkey was born, I had a similar reaction. After months of singing to her, reading to her, playing music into my belly, my first reaction after her birth was surprise. “Oh that’s a baby…. Oh fuck that’s MY baby!!” I looked at her little face and held her warm little body and thought “How?”

Of course, then she was in my arms and snuggled up to my breast nursing and I felt that special bond. It is still here, stronger than ever, a connection she and I have that no one else shares. It is precious, and wonderful. I have often wondered how I can have another similar connection with another person when the one I have with her is so intense and deep.

I guess I am going to find out in about a month! I am sure it will be a similar experience with Otter, I will experience a moment of disconnect and then all the bonded mommy/baby feelings will come rushing in. I can’t wait to hold him, and hear him cry, and be able to wear pants with a zipper. I want to find out if he is funny, like his sister, or serious, or what he is going to like or dislike.

It is so strange, this creating life thing.

Here are some recent baby belly photos:

This one really shows how big I have gotten! And he still has to grow by several more pounds! Ack!

Love to all of you! Soon there will be pictures of him, without the belly!