Night terrors…

February 7, 2008 Savvy Spoonie 10 Comments

Please tell the voices in my head to shut up.

The problem with having a very active imagination and a dramatic flair is really horrible recurring nightmares.
I have always had oddly detailed freaky night terrors, dating back to my childhood, but with motherhood came new, more terrifying, ones.
Because of course now I have something really precious to lose… my children.

For a while I had nightmares of escaping a zombie invasion with my daughter, then two. I would watch zombies kill her over and over again because I simply couldn’t explain to her why she needed to be quiet while we hid from them.

However, ever since Nick drowned last year, my nightmares have taken a more horribly realistic turn.

Night after night I wake up with images of Oliver falling into a swimming pool, eyes open, little air bubbles coming out of his mouth, soft baby hair swaying with the lapping of the water.
I am underwater with him, looking up at his struggling little profile, unable to get him out.

I always wake up before he drowns, but after he has taken his first watery breath.

I wake up shaking and horrified, once again wondering if Nick was aware when he began to drown, if he felt that first breath of water, if he knew.

I can lock the images away, snuggle close to the baby and go back to a dreamless sleep, but it takes a toll.

There is another one, of Marlena, but in this one we are at the ocean.

I am there with the kids, sitting under a beach umbrella with Oliver, while I watch Marlena splash at the water’s edge. Suddenly she stumbles into the waves, and is pulled out to the sea.

I am frozen, terrified as I search for her head in the waves, holding the baby in one arm while I try to find her anywhere in the vast, deep, wholly unforgiving, sea.

I wake up before I find her, pregnant with unshed tears and terror.

I understand from a psych 101 perspective that my subconscious mind is dealing with my fear of being unable to protect my children. I get it. However, that information is very little comfort in the dark quiet parts of the night.

Snuggling my baby, checking on my little girl. Those two actions are the only things that help the sense of horror go away.

I wish I had a less creative imagination. I wish I dreamed of zombies again, or nuclear attack, or something other than the cold lonely terror of drowning.

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So close…. so tense!!

February 6, 2008 Savvy Spoonie 1 Comment

Oooh! Watching the results poor in from the primary’s last night was better than a close Stanly Cup Final! I swear I developed an ulcer before the evening was through!

But my candidate is still a bit ahead in delegates, and no I am not voting for her just because she is a woman.

I am voting for her because she is the candidate with the clearest and most concise policy plans. She is saying “Let’s change the world, and here’s how we can do it.”

I like her plans.

Obama is an amazing speaker, and a charming candidate, and if he wins the primary I won’t feel as though the Dems have pulled their typical spineless candidate act, but he hasn’t shown me as many detailed plans, and he also hasn’t shown me a willingness to play the game. He can be downright snarky when he wants to be.

Oh, you don’t want someone who is willing to play the game? Well I do!! I don’t care how fresh a person’s perspective and ideals are, if they can’t curb their snark when debating with congress, they won’t get much done. Obama is not going to be able to single handedly change the inner workings of our entire political system. He is going to have to play along.

I want the voice of experience, wrapped in an intelligent, charismatic package, with a touch of OCD.

What do I mean by “she has plans”?

Strengthening the Middle Class
Health Care
The War in Iraq
Energy and Global Warming Crisis
Improving our schools
Fulfilling our promises to veterans
Supporting our Women and Families

There is more… a lot more.

Which is why yesterday was tense.
However, it brought with it an amazing moment.
Shivers ran up my spine when Hillary said “I want to thank my mother, who was born before women were allowed to vote, and is watching me on stage now.”

How far we have come.

A NOTE FROM MY MOTHER

Catt,
I love your blog entry this morning. Yes, it was a roller coaster ride yesterday, wasn’t it? I attended the caucus at Dora Moore School. People were lined up to get inside by 6:30, with the proceedings set to start at 7. Our precinct had 89 attendees, and we were herded into the claustrophobic lunchroom along with maybe seven or eight other precincts as equally well-attended. The place was jammed. Eventually several precincts were siphoned off into the gym. Our straw poll went along the percentages that would hold all night throughout Colorado: 28 voted for Hillary, 61 for Obama. Spirits were good, though, and cordiality was the order of the day. I was pleased to see the numerous young people, some of whom were for Hillary, and I was proud to be among a lot of middle-aged women who’d come out to support our girl.

When I got home, your dad was watching returns on CNN. I’d already heard about MA, NY, and NJ, so was excited. When CA was called, early in the evening, I was delirious. And then I had to fight back the anger against the media folks who really do not like Hillary. With each gain she makes, they spin harder to tell us how she didn’t score as well as she was supposed to. Grrrr.

The problem now is MONEY. If one million women would send off checks for $100 to Hillary’s campaign, we could win this thing. Many of her supporters have already given the max, $2300, and the primary battle goes on. The next few states are mostly caucus states, and Obama’s people are doing the intelligent thing: packing the caucuses. This means that the ongoing media attention will focus on big mo–momentum–and I’m hoping that won’t take away from Hillary’s remarkable achievements thus far. Talk it up to your friends: DONATE SOME MONEY TO HILLARY!! It doesn’t have to be $100. $50’s good, $25’s good. We can help her now by providing the cash for her to mount the kind of media campaign she’ll need to continue winning delegates.

As I’ve told you, it is my desire to be able to look Monkey in the eye and tell her that girls, too, can grow up to be president of the U.S. I want that glass ceiling broken while I’m here to see it. Today I hoping for more: a united Democratic party ticket: Hillary Clinton for president, Barack Obama for vice-president. Wouldn’t it be lovely to bring all of the people who are bestirring themselves to become involved to the table in a broad spectrum of support as we go into the November election? It would be lovely.

Have a wonderful day. Love and hugs to all,
Mom

Monkey, parenting

The Argument…

February 5, 2008 Savvy Spoonie 3 Comments

The scene opens on a slightly cluttered but serene living room where a young girl watches television. She is about fifteen minutes into a half hour episode of the Wonder Pets. A contented mother is peeling apples in the kitchen, with a baby crawling around at her feet…

“Monkey, after The Wonderpets are over, you have to go clean your room.” I say from the kitchen, where I am tackling an apple pie.

“Okay Mom!! I will.” She happily responds, adding the finishing touches to her latest work of art.

Twenty or so minutes later, after hearing Monkey happily run upstairs to begin cleaning, I curiously poke my head back into the living room, having noticed the top of her head pop up from the depths of the couch.

“Monkey, why aren’t you cleaning your room? Didn’t I say you needed to go clean it after Wonder Pets?

“Look!” she says happily, pointing to the t.v.”It’s still on, there was another one.” She settles back into the couch, confident in the security of her position.

Sigh. “Honey, turn off the television and go clean your room please.”

“But Mom! You said after the Wonderpets!”

“I meant after the last Wonderpets, and you knew that, as you went upstairs to clean when it was over. Please stop delaying and go clean your room, you have been putting this off all weekend.”

“Okay Mom.” She grumbles, shooting me a look that clearly indicates I am currently playing the role of Evil Stepmother in her personal daytime soap opera.

About thirty minutes later, after following the faint jumping sounds into the living room…

“Monkey honey, what are you doing downstairs? Aren’t you supposed to be cleaning your room?

“But Mom! I am not watching T.V.!!” She says as she hops lightly from foot to foot, clearly engaged in an invisible game of hop scotch.

Shaking off the tangent, I point out the obvious “True, but you are also not upstairs cleaning your room.”

“But I am NOT watching T.V.!!” She sallies back, hands now resting on her hips, in an unconscious mimicry of me at my most irritated.

“I agree. However, you are NOT upstairs cleaning your room.” I respond, fearing that maybe in my sleep I began speaking French or Russian and am therefore no longer communicating in a language she can understand.

“MOM! I AM NOT WATCHING T.V.!!” She yells, stamping her foot at the unfairness of the universe in general and me in particular.

“Monkey” I exclaim, much closer to a bellow than I like to get “You will go upstairs now and clean your room or there will be no play-date with Mariah tomorrow. Do you understand?”

“Oh!! Yes mom!” She says as she dashes up the steps into her Cinderella role once again, finally having enough motivation to tackle her most hated chore.