grief | SavvySpoons

It hits me the hardest when I put down my luggage.
A stillness settles over me as my heart remembers you are no longer here to promptly sit on it while I try to put everything away.
I am defeated.

I will carry the memory of the loss of you with me for several more days before it settles back into the reality of my existence and the loss begins to be normal again.

You aren’t sitting on my lap and incessantly demanding I lie still to make up for the time we lost when I was away.

You aren’t rubbing against my face when I try to use the computer, insistent that all attention should be paid to you.
I’ve never had an easier time writing.

You aren’t tripping me on the stairs.

You aren’t batting my face in the night.

You aren’t.

Sometimes life kicks you in the teeth. Then it smacks you on the head, thwacks you in the bum, and punches you in the gut.
I know, I know, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” (Unless, as Lee adamantly puts it, it F&*%ing cripples you.)
Well I would like a little less strength of character, and while you are at it, fewer character strengthening opportunities. At least for a little while.
Why am I ranting about life being evil and cruel? Let me tell you!
The last time we came to Denver it was on the heels of the death of my close friend, and the near death of Lee’s mother.
This time, it was for a happy visit and a wedding. Oh, and the near death of Lee’s mother.

Yes, Mom is back in the hospital, this time in the burn unit at University, having been pulled from a fire in her apartment. (Yes, she is the woman who was in the apartment fire at the senior facility that has been all over the news today.) She is not well. We will not know if she will pull through. The doctors say we should know more about her chances in the next 72 hours. She has burns on 30% of her body. Her quality of life will be incredibly diminished if she survives this. She will likely experience chronic pain. We will go see her tomorrow, we couldn’t face it before going to the wedding today.

We don’t know what happened. There are rumors being bandied about that the fire was started by a cigarette, but she was an avid anti-smoker who suffered from COPD. I had seen her earlier in the week, and as an ex-smoker myself, I can tell you there was no trace of the smell of cigarette smoke on her during our visit. I just can’t see her picking up the habit now. So really, who knows how the fire started. I hope we can get some answers from the Fire Marshal.

It’s just so sad. I am so sad for my husband, and for his mother, and for the people who were hurt trying to help her. I am so confused as to what happened, and what will happen now. I am worried about her. I am worried about him.

So I find myself, once again, facing tough choices and hard emotions. As my dearly departed godmother would say: It’s an AFGO. (Another F&%$ing growth opportunity.)
Personally, I feel my friends and family have had enough of them this year.