Depression, separation, and Birthday parties…

They don’t love you anymore.

Perhaps they never loved you.

You shouldn’t bother to celebrate, no one will come.  You should stay in your room with the cat.

I have a shadow self, an other self.  She is my depressed self.  She is the one who undermines my efforts and wins on those days when I can’t get out of bed.  She got a lot stronger during my illness and the last three years of my marriage.  She is still, at times, stronger than I.

My friend group is caught in the middle of our separation.  Both my ex and I are working very hard to be civil, and even friendly, but we both managed to hurt each other immensely, so it’s hard.   It’s hard on us, it’s hard on the kids, and it’s hard on our friends.  We don’t go to the same parties and our friends are having to choose who to invite where, and when.

I know this. I know they love me, are caught in the middle, and I shouldn’t listen to the dark fucked up other me and preemptively break up with all of them because they haven’t called lately.

But she doesn’t know that.  She whispers from within the depressed and struggling part of my soul.  They chose him.  You should let them go.  They don’t want you anymore.

Which is why it took me forever to decide if I was having a birthday party.

At first I thought I should invite everyone I know to stop by and say hello.  It sounded like a great idea.  Then she whispered What if no one comes? How much of a confirmation of how unloved you are do you really want on your birthday? You should skip a party.

So I decided no party.  Why open myself up for that kind of hurt? Especially now,  in the midst of my struggle out of depression.  Then I realized I am perfectly capable of not having a party and then still feeling like none of my friends love me because they didn’t come to a party I didn’t throw.  She is very devious and effective, this dark and fucked up other me.

So now I am kind of having a party.  It took me three hours to invite our mutual friends. Three hours of clicking the invite button, then unclicking it. Three hours of her whispering in my ear.

So now they are invited. Many are coming. She is still there whispering to me. It’s a mistake.

* btw, if you want to attend said party, and you haven’t gotten a FB invite, it’s probably because I gave up and clicked rapidly on names and then logged out. Feel free to come.  It’s Oct. 18th, at my house, about 6:00 or so. BYOB and food. (email or call for directions.)

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