Not the ride I was looking for…

The day began as they often do, with a migraine and a moan.  Today I grabbed my D.H.E. injection and headed downstairs to shoot away the pain and get started with my morning so I could walk into work and enjoy the sunshine.

By 11:30 it became clear walking wasn’t going to happen.  The headache was gone but I was feeling weak and shaky from the shot.  Still, headache gone, time to go to work.  Dad dropped me off at noon and I said hello to the office for the first time in several days.

Then about half an hour later I began to experience chest pains.

Not again, I thought.

You see last week I missed work because I spent Monday in the E.R. with chest pains which started 12 hours after taking my D.H.E.

Calmly I wrote down the time they started and when I took the medication and began trying to work again.  Then I began to feel a sensation of pain move down my left arm and into my hand, and my arm went numb.  I marked the time and the sensation and called my doctor.  No answer.  I went back to work.  About fifteen minutes later I started feeling hot and clammy and my hands began to perspire.  Shit.  I called my doctor, marked the time, made notes.  No answer.  I went back to work.  A bit later I began to feel nauseated.  I called my mother.

Which is how I ended up in the back of an ambulance on my way to the ER for the second time in one week.  My mother wisely suggested, and then ordered me to call 911 for an ambulance.  I called and they were there fast.  I was impressed.  I barely had time to alert my co-workers to the fact that I would be leaving for the day, much less that four paramedics and two EMT’s were about to swarm the building and cart me off on a gurney.

I was rather embarrassed, honestly.  I prefer my illness to be more private than that.

Once in the ambulance I got aspirin and Nitro, and off we went to St. Joe’s for the tender mercies of the day staff.  They were wonderful.  They took every possible test and precaution and sent me home with the admonishment to never again take D.H.E.

Apparently it caused vascular spasms in me, resulting in decreased blood flow to my heart that was painful, but not damaging in the same way a heart attack was.  However, there were clear that there was no good to be had in continuing to take it.  I have to agree as the triponin test I took last week at the E.R. was 0.00 and this week’s was 0.015, it seems there is a slight increase in enzymes associated with heart attack.  I want to stop this ride while my numbers are in the “still negative” for heart attack range instead of waiting to see if I can raise them any further.

So tonight it’s cookies, tea, and sleep.  And OK, a little weep.  After years of not finding a solution to my migraines I am upset that the one drug that seemed the most promising tried to kill me in other ways.  I was so hopeful for this one.  (Damn homicidal medications!)

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Faltering spirits…

I am struggling to stay positive.  I keep trying to Pollyanna my way out of a miserable pool of self-pity, but it’s difficult to do.

I have much to be thankful for.  My children are supportive and loving, my parents are helpful and loving, Dan is wonderful, my work is patient and supportive.  I have caring friends.  I finally have a good doctor with a plan who meets with me regularly.  I should be content.

Instead I am struggling to find the energy to keep going.  The new medications make me tired, nauseated.  They give me muscle cramps, make all food and drink taste like copper, make my muscles tire so easily that I have a hard time finishing this blog post.  They have long term side effects like heart scarring.

I want to be cheerful and hopeful.  I want to believe I will get better and find a solution and be able to resume something resembling a normal life.  I just, can’t.  Not today.  Not right now.

It’s been so long since I had a stretch of feeling great.  A week of pain free living.  I am not sure I believe that is something I will ever get.

Lions and Tigers and Tesla…Oh My!

As promised, some updated photos of a few of the Denizens of Great Cats World Park:

Tesla does his majestic best to help alleviate my home sickness.

Tesla does his majestic best to help alleviate my home sickness. (Shhh…. Do NOT tell Hazel!!)

Beowulf looks a bigger, even in his generous outdoor enclosure.  (At least I think it's Beowulf, it could be Banshee.  Though thing about twins.)

Beowulf looks a bigger, even in his generous outdoor enclosure. (At least I think it’s Beowulf, it could be Banshee. Though thing about twins.)

Did you know Lynx purr?  I didn't know until this little one caught me playing with the tigers and came over to get some attention.

Did you know Lynx purr? I didn’t know until this little one caught me playing with the tigers and came over to get some attention.

Stoli ( I think that is his name) tried to convince me to put my hand in and pet him, but I am not a sucker.

Stoli ( I think that is his name) tried to convince me to put my hand in and pet him, but I am not a sucker.

The last photo of the day is of Dandelion, the cutest little doe-eyed lioness this side of Mississippi.  She was hanging out in her feeding station when I took these.

The last photo set of the day is of Dandelion, the cutest little doe-eyed lioness this side of Mississippi. She was hanging out in her feeding station when I took these.

Dandelion waits for dinner in her feeding station before going back to her spacious enclosure.

Dandelion waits for dinner in her feeding station before going back to her spacious enclosure.

Last but not least, Trav and I post for a selfie after our car ride to Portland.

Last but not least, Trav and I post for a selfie after our car ride to Portland.