A while back I quit Facebook and deleted my account. I was going through a divorce and that was part of it but the biggest part was being so chronically ill and seeing everyone’s shiny FB life while mine seemed to fade more and more each day. I didn’t want to post about my pain or illness because it felt like no one wanted to hear it. Each day I had less to post about until I would sit at the computer staring at the screen casting about for something to say that had noting to do with my life. My post dwindled to nothing and I left.
When I joined Facebook again I swore I would post about my day whether or not I was in pain. If I hurt, I would post about hurting. If I didn’t I would post about something else. For the most part I have kept to that resolution. However, it hasn’t been easy.
I feel like a whiner most of the time. I try not to imagine people rolling their eyes and thinking “yeah yeah yeah she hurts. We know.” when they read another post from me but sometimes I do imagine just that. Of course “people” and the people in my life are two different things. No one I have on my Facebook feed actually would roll their eyes and yada yada me, but the internal me that is still struggling to exist in this world of lowered expectations is still really impatient with herself. She is the person who rolls her eyes and tells me to shut up. In fact, she is likely the reason I quit Facebook to begin with.
I think Susan Sarandon said it best. “The world is made for those not blessed with self-awareness.” I’m aware of the difference in my posts and those of my healthy friends each time I post. Most of my pictures on social media are from inside my room, with my cat or my children, as I work to make it through each day and accomplish something meaningful. It’s a stark difference from the pictures of children ice skating and of travel and of work and parties and friends. I am aware each time I post that I have said some permutation of this before and I feel the self criticism rising.
Be interesting, be different, be someone other than you.