I was having a conversation with a fellow Spoonie the other day and we were expressing our frustration with friends and family that keep telling us not to give up. I should be clear that both she and I have been to all the doctors and have tried all the medications and every treatment that isn’t brain surgery. She has had her headache for 13 years and I have had mine for 3 going on 4. This isn’t life threatening but there is no end in sight.

I don’t believe people are ill intentioned when they urge a chronically ill person to keep fighting but I don’t think they understand why we are better off if we give up.

There comes a time in the daily struggle of someone with an untreatable chronic illness when they are faced with a choice; either they continue to try all the treatments and medications and experimental stuff that has even the tiniest chance of curing them while bringing them untold discomforts in side effects and recovery times or they can acknowledge they aren’t going to find a magical cure and learn to live with their illness.

I have chosen the latter and so has my friend. We have given up and I, for one, haven’t felt this good in a damn long time.

I still hurt every day. I am still ruled by a headache that will be debilitating one day and not so bad the next with little or no consistency. However, I am no longer experiencing a long list of horrible side effects from ineffective medications. I am not going to see three or four specialists multiple times a week to the exclusion of living my life. I am no longer recovering from treatments or spending weeks in the hospital. Since giving up on a cure I have trained to be a silversmith, set up a studio in my basement, become a more attentive and involved mother, and kicked ass getting our house organized. I have begun to keep regular get togethers with friends. I have learned to manage my spoons, take rest days when I need them, and not feel guilty about canceling plans on bad days.

My energy now goes into managing my symptoms. I stopped taking all daily headache medications. I stopped taking all daily fibromyalgia medications. I use mindfulness, tea, and when it’s really bad tramadol to manage my pain. I exercise every day. I sleep as long as I need to. I listen to my body and I try not to judge myself when I have to rest.

I am living a fuller and happier life since I have given up the search for a cure than I have in a long, long time.

Giving up on a cure and the idea that this is all somehow temporary and accepting that I am disabled has freed my spoons up for learning how to live within my capabilities. I am feeling capable now because I am no longer comparing myself to healthy people. I am content carving out a satisfying existence within my limitations.

So, next time someone with a chronic illness is telling you they have given up I encourage you to rein in the urge to tell them to keep fighting. What they are likely telling you is that they are ready to learn how to build a full and happy life now instead of living for the day when they are magically healed.