It seems apropos to write about short changing during a coin crisis. Of course, I am writing about a lack of emotional quarters instead of a lack of actual quarters but still, they say timing is everything.
I want to apologize to you for shortchanging you.
I short change you every time you ask how I am feeling. I never share the whole answer with you. I never let you inside that aspect of my life.
This failing of mine comes from a place of love.
You see, I can feel how much I hurt you when you learn how much I hurt. You love me and you don’t want to see me in pain. But you try to support me, you ask how I am and hope with intensity that my answer is “better.”
It rarely is.
That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia. It’s a tenacious little fucker.
I have a problem though. You see, I’ve been shortchanging you for so long that I no longer feel comfortable giving you the full story. I’ve managed to shut myself off from that luxury through my effort to protect you.
And I really, really need you right now.
I am tired.
It’s been a long road of not being okay and there are no exits for me. I am supposed to wake up every day and fight an enemy I cannot see, who is so close to me you cannot separate me from it.
I am so very tired.
I am too tired for words. Too tired to tell you how much I hurt. All of my energy is going into this fight right now. I am less able to friend, to mom, to wife.
I apologize for that.
I would ask that when you ask me how I am and I don’t really tell you, to please assume I am in a bad place and just pour on the love. I’m sorry I can’t ask in a better way, or be more verbose one on one.
I love you.
One thought on “Shortchanging…”
*gentle hugs* I love you too, always.