Category Archives: Just me

health, Just me, Migraine

My robotic shiatsu master.

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I suppose I was bored and dumb enough to announce that to the universe.  Whatever the reason, my headaches, after being exactly the same for over twenty-five years, decided to change in nature.

I have had all the tests necessary to tell me several things:

1.  I don’t have an aneurysm, high blood pressure, a brain tumor, or an alien seed pod silently waiting to kill me.  (So the good news is that this won’t kill me! Yay!)

2. Medical science has no idea why my migraines would suddenly change in nature.  The official word from the leading headache clinic in the country was “Sometimes that happens.”  (Yep. Still a practice.)

3. All those doctors who told me my migraines would stop after menopause were either bald face lying, drunk, or attempting to use anecdotal evidence to provide their suffering patients with desperate kernels of hope because they simply couldn’t stand to look them in the eye and tell them they would live like this forever.  (I would like to think the latter, as it indicates an inherent kindness and gentleness of spirit instead of malpractice.)

Now I not only get my usual headaches, but I also get randomly punched in one side of my face several times throughout the day by an invisible boxer.  (If this continues and I get better at ignoring it maybe I have a chance at being a contender!)

But wait, there is good news!  After several massages from people and one hell of a massage chair it would seem that the punching sensation on the left side of my face is somehow connected to my right shoulder blade.  (Don’t ask me how, my doctors don’t even know how.)

So I have a plan.  I will somehow convince my insurance company that it will be cheaper and more effective for them to buy me a $3500.00 massage chair than it will to keep filling $1800.00 prescriptions each month for medications that really aren’t all that effective.

Then I can sit in the massage chair several times a day and see if being beaten about by a robotic shiatsu master can cure what ails me.  Massage chair for the win!

Of course, my plan hinges on somehow making an insurance company see the reasonableness of spending $3500.00 on a preventative treatment as opposed to tens of thousands of dollars on abortive medications that don’t work.

What are the odds?

frustration, Just me

For my convenience.

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I am going to air a grievance here.  I usually try to stay away from bitching about technology use but repeated events over the last few years have planted within me a desire to vent.

So here goes:

1.  I own a cellphone for my convenience, not yours.  If I do not answer it when you call the first time, I will likely not answer it when you call immediately back.  If you call back a third time in quick succession you, or someone I love, had better be on fire, dying, or in jail.  If not, when at any point in my life did I give you the impression that I am at your beck and call?

2.  I post on Facebook, Twitter, and my blog for my enjoyment/release/etc.  If you don’t like what you read, stop following me.  I have not taken a gun to your head and forced you to follow my feed.  Don’t send me sarcastic trolling messages bitching about how frequently I post, what I post about, etc.  Just block my shit if you don’t want to read it.  I am not tailoring my feed for your taste.

3.  Sometimes it takes me a few days to get back to you when you email, text, or call me.  If you are a true friend, this fact will make you happy. It means I am out in the world enjoying my life and not sitting at home by my computer and phone desperately wishing someone would call, text, or email me.  Be happy for me.

There. I’m done.

Just me

Heartbreak, headache, and so much love.

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This holiday season I have fought a constant battle against depression.  I am rapidly approaching the anniversary of my full hysterectomy and the symbolic end of my fertility.  Every day I see children and feel an ache in my arms.  I used to hold babies, rock them, carry them, feed them, now my babies are big.  My arms feel the loss exquisitely.

It is also my first holiday without Lee in ten years.  I miss him in everything I do.

When my head is not trying to destroy me, I feel pretty upbeat.  I get so much love and support from my children, my parents, and my friends that my spirits lift in spite of myself.

When my headaches return, so does the darkness.  I find myself crawling deep into my body, unaware of the world outside, unable to feel the warm rays of love and affections those around me send my way.

So I am trying to throw myself into the glittering spirit of the holidays, to feel my children’s excitement as my own.  I am trying to make lovely and useful gifts for my family, or buy pretty things with my small store.  I am trying.

I am trying because my son is so excited to make things with me, bake cookies, decorate the tree, snuggle down before the fire and sing carols.  I am trying because my daughter is watching me, taking her cues from me, trying to see it’s okay to be happy this Christmas, despite of the heartbreaking year behind us.

I am trying because I am so tired of being the unhealthy and unhappy friend.  I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being sick.  I want to be the one helping someone else.

This Christmas I want health and love.  I want smiles and laughter and more hugs than anyone can imagine.  I don’t want presents, I want time.  I want time walking with you, seeing movies with you, talking with you.  I want time reconnecting.  I want to be out of the house and doing things with people.  If my head hurts too much for that, then I want people here with me.

I love you all, and I am trying.