Ellen and I went into NYC last night for our first Broadway show. As in, a show being performed on Broadway!! Lee got me tickets when I missed yet another Mom’s Night Out in October, to show me that I do indeed get to go out, and motherhood is not a conspiracy designed to prevent me from every seeing the outside world again. Of course, once we got the tickets and planned the outing, his mom went back into the ICU and was set to be taken off life support, so the timing for this outing sucked too. However, Lee was insistent that I go see the show regardless of the situation with his mom. Fiercely insistent. So, I picked Ellen up and drove off to the train, feeling only a little bit like a horrible person for leaving Lee alone with the kids during such an emotional time. As the trip began, I focused on enjoying myself, since there is nothing more ungrateful than wasting a husband’s sacrifice by feeling guilty. He insisted, so I enjoyed. Thank you honey! You gave me a wonderful night.

There are some perks to living in New Jersey, and being an hour long train trip from Broadway and Times Square is one of those perks. We caught the 5 pm train and hit Penn Station about 6:15. We had time to find our subway, shoot over to Port Authority, and wander around gawking at the tall spires of billboards and the sheer ant colony-esque energy of NYC for a while. We walked through Times Square, ate a little dinner at the Junior’s down from our theater, and settled in about ten minutes before the show started.

Here we are standing still in a flurry of activity. (Taken by two kind, though not particularly skilled photography-wise, tourists)

It was a wonderful night. I was a little nervous about leaving Otter without “the Boob” for so long, but he doesn’t seem to have suffered overly much, though he wouldn’t eat anything Lee tried to give him and they had a bit of a rough night. I am so glad we went though. Ellen and I haven’t had time to ourselves sans children for a very long time, and it was good to go play like a grown up. I love NYC, it is one of my favorite places to go, but I can’t enjoy it when the kids are along. I am too much of a nervous nellie to relax my death grip on Monkey’s hand and just enjoy the things around me. When I am there without children the City actually relaxes me. I can watch the things going on around me and revel in the sheer magnitude of energy that is New York. So it was a real treat (thank you hubby!) to go out for a night on the big apple without the kids.

What did we see on our adventure? Muppet sex!

Yes, muppet sex. Full on, furry bodied, the actors spent way too long making it look real, I can’t believe we are seeing this, muppet sex. (Does that muppet have nipples and chest hair?) Avenue Q is full of muppet sex, and hysterical songs like “Everyone’s a little bit racist”, “The internet is for porn” and “It sucks to be me”. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long, long time. I also haven’t blushed so much, or been caught so off guard. It is a funny, funny show. I really wanted to buy the soundtrack, but the last thing I need right now is a parent teacher conference because my daughter is singing about pornography and racism. It is soooo not a show for kids (though there were a few there! Oh hapless unwary parents!)

After the show we caught the train and headed home to bed and hungry baby. We got back a little after midnight, and I was up nursing the baby and caring for a coughing Monkey until a little after one. It was beyond worth the sleeplessness though. I am so thrilled to have gone to a show on Broadway, and so refreshed to have had a night out alone with a great friend.

Ellen and I in Times Square, vainly attempting to take our own photo together:

My life is usually a fast paced mess of showers, dressing, washing, messing, cleaning, cooking, eating, playing, etc. It is full of kisses, both passionate and skilled and gooey and snot coated. My days contain many hugs, stories, and showing off of new skills. It is a full life, and often, a really busy one. Therefore, I do not always notice the small changes.

This weekend I was blessed to be aware enough to catch two small changes in my son. The first, a day spent finding everything funny and laughing. He has found things funny from time to time, and has tried out his laugh before, but Saturday was spent with Oliver laughing uproariously at everything that happened around him. It was as though he had figured out what humor was and was bound and determined to explore it. The rest of us were enchanted with his gurgling baby giggle, and enjoyed hearing it over and over again. Marlena discovered that she could make Oliver laugh by playing with her magnets, so she obliged many times.

The second change I noticed was Oliver noticed I was leaving for the first time and missed me for the first time. Now, he has missed “the Boob” before, and has complained mightily of its absence once I have returned. However, last night on my way to coffee Oliver looked at me, realized I was leaving, and began to make small whimpering sounds. When I returned, he looked over his Dad’s shoulder, made his cutest sad face, and reached his little arms out to me. He did not try to nurse right away or start banging on my chest, he just snuggled. He missed me, not just my milk, but me.

It felt so good to have evidence that we have a relationship that goes beyond care-taking. I saw behavior from my son that clearly told me he likes having me around, for me. His actions yesterday bespoke a new awareness, and while I am probably entering the phase of babyhood when my going anywhere without him means tears and fits are sure to ensue, I am still pleased and touched that he actually missed me.

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd winds slowly o’er the lea,
The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.
Thomas Gray

Lee’s mom is dying. She suffered an hour long seizure as a response to antibiotics she received to combat her pneumonia. The seizure caused irreparable and unrecoverable brain damage. She is, effectively, gone. On Monday her sister will be there with her, and bear witness as they take her off life support.

I wish I had gotten a chance to know her when she was bright and active, and not suffering from brain damage. I will never know the woman who raised my husband to be the amazing man I love. I met her only after her illness has dented her personality, and she never recovered. I can only thank her for the job she did, as he is my partner, and my life.

I can’t share happy stories with Lee about her, because I don’t know any. Oh how I want to share any with him that would ease his pain and make him smile, even for a moment. I suppose all I can do is share my love and support, and listen to any stories he wants to tell me. I could gather stories from other family members, but I think I will wait for a better time to do that.

It sucks that she will be dead before her grandson’s first birthday. It sucks that she will miss learning who her grandchildren are, and who they will be. I wish she could be here to be a part of it. We have fought a long battle trying to get her healthy and safe, this was not the end we were hoping for. It is what we have been given.

So for her I place here The Epitaph from Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray. It is my favorite, and brings me comfort to read it. I certainly cannot compose better words. Granted it is written for a man, but the meaning works just the same.

The Epitaph

Here rests his head upon the lap of Earth
A youth to Fortune and to Fame unknown.
Fair Science frowned not on his humble birth,
And Melacholy marked him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere,
Heaven did a recompense as largely send:
He gave to Misery all he had, a tear,
He gained from Heaven (’twas all he wish’d) a friend.

No farther seek his merits to disclose,
Or draw his frailties from their dread abode
(There they alike in trembling hope repose),
The bosom of his Father and his God.

We loved you mom.