Social Media and Divorce…

July 6, 2015 Savvy Spoonie 1 Comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about my decision to quit Facebook. While I have enjoyed the peace and quiet of a life without the clutter of FB, it has caused communication problems with some of my friends, and many of them have asked me back.

Which is why I have decided to come clean about the central reason for me quitting in the first place; my divorce.

During a divorce people choose sides. The lines between those sides may blur eventually but in the very beginning most people are supporting one person or the other, not both. As for social events, it’s very awkward for people to know who to invite to what, how to handle mutual invites, how to not make the other party feel left out or upset. When it comes right down to it, divorce is hell on the friends of the former couple.

Without social media this is hard for everyone. With social media it is even harder. In my case the central friend group I had hung with for ten years sent the majority of invites to my ex-husband. This was understandable, however, that friend group didn’t stop posting about all of their parties and events on Facebook, and they didn’t drop me from their feed because they still wanted to be friends. This resulted in me getting to see, over and over again, every single thing I had not been invited to. It was like having my face rubbed into the rapid disappearance of my old life.

Frankly it hurt, deeply, every single time.

So I came to a decision point. I could stay on Facebook and grow to resent and perhaps even hate the people who were simply living their lives the way they wanted to live them, people who expressed love for me and went out of their way to do things with me separately, or I could get the hell off of Facebook.

I chose to leave Facebook.

As soon as I did it got better. I was able to handle the knowledge that things were happening that I wasn’t invited to because I wasn’t seeing pictures of all the people I love laughing and enjoying themselves without me. I could handle, with grace, being left out of things as the dust from the divorce settled and we all determined where and how we now fit together.

Social media can be hell on someone going through a divorce. It’s like an amplifier for all the sense of loss and loneliness that follows an already difficult decision and process. The problem with social media is that unlike social groups it doesn’t have a filter for divorce. There is no message that pops up saying “So and so are divorcing, which person’s feed would you like to keep?” or “Did you intend to show pictures of so and so with a smiling partner? Their ex is in your feed.”.

We wouldn’t whip out our cellphones over coffee and show a recently divorced person all the fun they missed at their ex-spouses birthday party because that would be a really shitty thing to do. Facebook does that for us. It turns out that Facebook is a complete asshole.

The dust is beginning to settle in my post divorce world. My ex and I have decent conversations and we have even been at a couple of the same parties. However, I am not sure I am ready to reenter the Facebook fray. There are still people I miss who have disappeared from my life. There are still events I do not get invited to. I believe I handle it all better out here, away from Facebook.

Connection, Just me, Migraine

Celebrating the fourth…

July 5, 2015 Savvy Spoonie 3 Comments

I had intended to take the children to see the fireworks display down by Elitch Gardens. I had the three top spots all mapped out and planned to create a dessert picnic with glowing arm bands and pop-its and everything. They were excited. I was excited.

Then about an hour and a half until we were supposed to leave, as I was preparing dinner, my headache went from it’s normal manageable state of background noise to it’s angry roommate screaming in your face setting. Impossible to ignore and work around. My spirits plummeted.

I went to lie down and took some medication. It didn’t get any better. I tried to stay calm and relaxed but the unfairness of it all just hit me all at once and before I knew it I was sobbing. Then it really didn’t get better. Dan came upstairs and offered to drive me and the kids to the fireworks display even though it meant another night of less than six hours of sleep. That calmed me down. I told him no. I reminded him that managing my disappointment when this happens is part of having an intractable migraine.

I came downstairs and told the children we would have to stay home. They both threw their arms around me and said it would be better this way. Then Marlena went with Dan to get some fireworks for the house and Oliver helped me make dinner. He chatted and smiled the whole time. When Marlena returned home she triumphantly showed off the fountains, sparklers, and other ‘splody devices they had picked up.

Neither of them were disappointed. They enjoyed the food and the home sized fireworks display. We lit sparklers and fountains, snakes and smoke bombs. We stood back in the alley and watched them light up the night. Neighbors across the way cheered at our little fireworks display. This was the first time my kids had sparklers and fireworks at home so a night that looked as though it was going to be ruined was actually wonderfully memorable.

It was all ok. Despite my constant and inconvenient shadow, we had a lovely and close-knit fourth of July.

Bees, Chronic Pain, Connection, garden, Home sweet home

Bee calm and garden on…

July 4, 2015 Savvy Spoonie 2 Comments

It’s been my newest project and my reason for being offline so much lately. For the first time in my life I am building a garden. Day in and day out I dig and plant, hammer and staple, water and weed. There is something soothing and, well, down to earth about gardening.

I can feel my connection with the earth healing some deeply hungry part of me. In the garden I am capable and strong, I am able to work for hours and not make my headache worse. I don’t know if it’s not straining my eyes on a computer screen or just that gardening is as replenishing as it is exhausting but my spoons don’t seem to be at risk when I am in the sun and communing with all the bees and plants.

And boy do we have bees!! There is a house a few doors down with a hive and their happy little bees buzz around my Gerbera Daisies, Blueberries, Blackberries, Strawberries and Tomatoes. It’s possible that they love the herb garden even more. Best of all, the big blue fountain in my planter garden gets teeny buzzing visitors who fly over, settle on the rim, and delicately sip at the water in the bowl.

I can watch the bees for hours.

I put up a hammock under the tree and when I am not gardening or working I lie there smelling my spearmint, magnolias, and tomatoes while the bees buzz around me, resting from time to time on my knees. The sun is warm and the sound of the busy birds and insects is soothing.

I seem to be coming back to life with the plants, growing stronger and standing taller every day. The long lonely years of pain and hardship look as though they may actually be in the past. I work, I garden, I walk, I swim. I take the kids places. I am once again living an outside life. I am not confined, alone with my cat, to a dark and quiet room watching the world pass me by on a dimly lit computer screen wishing desperately that I could be free. I am no longer a useless partner, mother, daughter, or friend. I have things to offer the world again. I have people in my life who walk beside me and encourage me to do what I can while reminding me to not overdo it. They value and cherish my contributions even though they are not what they used to be. I am learning to do the same. I suppose I am being cultivated as much as my garden is.

I love how responsive plants are to my labors. A drooping plant will perk up within minutes of being watered, a seed poke through the earth within days of being planted. Every day I see the results of my labors blooming around me and I can’t help but bloom with them! I laugh and dance and sing again. I wake up early, even though I hurt, to take my medication so I can get to the garden faster.

I have more energy now too so I can cook and walk to the grocery store and clean. I make delicious food for my family again and get pleasure out of seeing them gobble it up. My kids are eating vegetable soups and meatloaf and guacamole again, thrilled I am back in the kitchen making it. Dan is touched each and every day I make his lunch for work, happy I have thought of him and taken the time to insure he has a gracious plenty of healthy, delicious food while he keeps the peace in the brutal heat. My parents enjoy the food I cook and my mother loves that she is not doing the cooking.

I am slowly learning that no matter what my professional future holds, whether I can litigate again or not, whether I can earn a decent living or not, I can contribute to the family in a meaningful way.

I can be a goddess of hearth and home if I cannot be the career woman I dreamed of being. I find joy and a profound sense of accomplishment in the tasks I once deemed menial. Now they are the example of improved health.

So my life is blooming again. I think it’s time to bee calm and garden on.