Asthma. Let me tell you, watching your child struggle to breathe while having very little you can do to help, is a nightmare.

Monkey had her first asthma attack before she was two. I remember how utterly horrifying it was to realize that my baby was wheezing. I will never forget trying to calm her through an oxygen mask, or trying to explain that she was going to be okay. I remember telling her not to cry, because she could make the breathing worse, and having to act like using an oxygen mask was fun. “It’s a fishy mask! See, it looks like a fish. Put it on and let’s breathe like the fishies do!” I shudder now with the memory of her struggle, and how unable I was to fix it. It still bothers me that my six year old is completely comfortable wearing an oxygen mask.

We have been working to get Monkey’s asthma under control for what feels like forever, but we got to a point where we weaned her off her daily steroids and felt that things were good. She hadn’t had an attack in over a year, she could run and play in the cold without a problem, she didn’t have attacks during colds, things seemed fine.

Then last month we all caught a cold. We were all stuffy, runny, congested, and coughing up a storm. After a week or two, we were all better, except that at night, Monkey would cough. Then after a week or so of nighttime coughing, she would wheeze. Then we were back to home nebulizer treatments, but they were working after one treatment, and she had a recent cold, so we thought maybe we were still good.

Today, the treatments stopped working. She has had four treatments in the past 18 hours and is still wheezing. Granted, she isn’t wheezing as badly, but I can’t get the baseline wheeze to go away. I took her to the doctor, who gave her a decongestant with codeine in it, and told me to take her to the ER if her next attack couldn’t be resolved within three treatments. If we have to do that, there will be chest x-rays, and most likely, a daily steroid treatment. right back to where we used be.

Thankfully, our doctor’s daughter ,who is Monkey’s age, has asthma, and this was the treatment that worked for her when she faced persistent cough and repeated wheezing. At least I know we have a good treatment option provided by a man who really understands.

However, if it doesn’t “knock her cold out” as he hopes, we are right back to where we were over a year ago. Monkey will be back on a nightly steroid inhaler, and will likely face increased risk of asthma attacks during colds. I wonder, is the change environmental? Are the pets finally getting to her? Is the HEPA filter not helping? Is the change physical? Is she having more trouble because she grew into more asthma issues?

It is so frustrating. The home nebulizer helps with the sense of helplessness, but only when it works. When it doesn’t, well, I am right back to watching my baby struggle to breathe.

It suddenly occurs to me that most of my life seems to be lived in preparation for or anticipation of something else. It also occurs to me that this is very sad. Apparently, I am so busy trying to prepare for my “real” life, that I don’t realize I am living my real life right now, right here, and if I don’t slow down, I may miss it.

It’s so easy to get caught up in all the unimportant stuff, and therefore miss what truly matters.

So today, in an attempt to slow down and live in the moment, Otter and I stacked doughnuts (or donuts if you are spellcheck). We spent a good hour sitting on the floor, mastering the art of doughnut stacking and snacking on a pumpkin muffin. Near the end of the hour, Otter, wearing an expression of intense concentration, picked up a green doughnut, reached out to the stacking peg, and delicately and deliberately placed it on. All by himself.

Of course, I had to take pictures.

I was too busy shrieking “Yay Baby!!” to capture the actual self stacking moment, but it happened! I was there to bear witness to my brilliant baby’s new accomplishment!

I finally did it! I finally filed my first case! After months of balancing a new baby, a six year old, and legal research, I have finished the complaint, sent it off to local counsel, and am officially suing the government. Oh Yeah! What did I do to celebrate this amazing merging of law and motherhood? Let me show you:

I bought myself an 8.1 MP Canon Rebel SLR digital camera. This working mom will not miss any more precious baby smiles because my camera won’t capture the image fast enough. This camera clicks away at the speed of… well, a real camera. You will likely see more pictures in the blog from now on. I am sure while I get used to the new toy you will see pictures of the kids, the husband, the pets, random shoes, the trees outside my home, pretty much anything you can point a camera at. I promise to eventually be more choosy, but for now, I am simply taking pictures of everything I see. It is so much fun!

Now I am off to capture life on film!