Category Archives: Just me

grief, health, Just me

Thank you

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Thank you to all the people who have shown me kindness, especially in the past two years.

The last two years were the darkest time in my life.  I made it out.  You helped.

If you made me smile, even once, you helped.

If you sent me a note telling me you loved me, you helped.

If you gave me a hug, you helped.

If you posted a note on Facebook or sent me a link to read, you helped.

If you came and sat with me, read with me, talked with me, you helped.

I am thankful for each and every moment of kindness you gave me.

I am thankful for your love.

It is doubtful I would have made it out of the darkness without all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Just me

I feel 19 again.*

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Yesterday I turned 38.  I had a great time preparing a wonderful cake and a yummy feast.  I got a gazillion messages on my facebook page from people loving on me.  My children started the day out with a snuggle, and gave me a gift certificate for free massages from their very own massage company.  I got flowers and a lovely card from my best friend and my parents got me a bright, sunny new quilt to snuggle under during the winter.  

It was a wonderful day. 

Today I spent cleaning for the upcoming social party.  I put a little electric fireplace in my attic room and reorganized to accommodate it.  Now I have a bright cozy room with a fireplace, lovely quilts, and a cat.  It’s hard not to love it here.  I feel truly at home for the first time in a long time.  I feel like I can settle in, get comfortable, and relax for the first time in years.  

Tonight I will see many friends and loved ones.  I will eat too many cupcakes and drink a little too much wine and love every minute of it.  The feelings of being unloved and unwanted have been driven out by love, snuggles, and laughter.  I am hoping with all the rearranging, it will be harder for them to find purchase when they try to return. 

* Thank you to Danno for the 19 again pun. 

Just me, Uncategorized

Inner peas.

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Meditation is supposed to cure all ills. (Okay, maybe not all the ills.) It is supposed to help with crazy anxiety attacks and all that stuff.

Unfortunately, this girl doesn’t meditate well.

I understand you are supposed to clear your mind and just be, but I don’t know what a clear “just being” mind looks like.  I lie there imagining a blank nothingness, but then the nothingness becomes a thing.  It becomes irritating in it’s blankness.  To remedy that I will make it purple or red, or some other color.  The color itself becomes the nothingness.  Then little things start to crawl across the red blank background.  A paper I need to grade, a note I need to hand in to the school, a telephone call I forgot to make.  So I let those thoughts go and try to focus on the red blankness.  That’s when all the funny or ridiculous things I only think about when meditating start pressing in on the sides of my blissful red blankness.  Flying pigs, royalty, what I would do with a million dollars, underground prairie dog colony viewing stations, pet chinchillas.  Before too long there are dozens of ridiculous unimportant things demanding I either pay attention or send them away.  Before too long there is no sending away, there is only chaos.

So I have to meditate using a guided meditation program.  It’s the only way.  I have to focus on something to be able to drive out the millions of bits of nothing clamoring for my attention.

With guided meditation I can at least drift along like I used to in some of the less entertaining classes I took in school.  I may still think of things but I can push them aside, because I get to focus on the voice telling me to relax.