…there would be no butterflies.

Marlena got ready for 8th grade prom today. My lovely girl, usually too tom-boyish and busy to bother with make-up and hairstyles, emerged dressed for the dance in the guise of a stunning young woman.

The theme for the dance was Black and White, so she and I found a darling dress that fit her to a “T” and spent an hour in the bathroom with makeup and a straightening iron. Of course, afterwards we had to take some pictures:

I am happy she left for the dance confident and thrilled with her appearance, and I am pleased I was able to help put that confident smile on her face, but a small part of me wept a little as the girl riding on my dad’s shoulders here:

turned into the young woman pictured here:

It’s 2:20 a.m. and I am awake.

Again.

It would seem the medication I am on makes sleeping an impossibility. I lie in bed, every night, waiting to sleep. I plan out how to upcycle old furniture into new patio furniture. I plot out story devices. I think about plants.

I close my eyes and there is a flashing light behind them.

I cannot sleep.

So, I thought tonight I would update y’all instead.

When I left the hospital I had three diagnoses. 1. Intractable migraine disorder. 2. Tibomandibular joint disorder (TMD) 3. Cervicogenic headache.

I have been to see the dentist about the TMD and it is not TMD. Instead I have tendonitis and arthritis in my jaw. Downside, chewing is bad. Upside, I have lost eight pounds this month. (I am all about the silver linings, like how my inability to catch Z’s has given me time to blog.)

I am not sure how to feel about having arthritic jaw bones but I am sure there is a “you talk too much” joke out there somewhere. I do know the massive doses of steroids I am on to lower the inflammation are probably contributing to the lack of sleep.

As for the cervicogenic headache, I have an appointment to go under sedation and have anesthesia injected into my C2 through C5 joints again. I should be doing this every month until we do a more permanent version involving radio frequencies. (Yep, really, I am not wearing a tinfoil hat here. At some point my C2-C5 nerves will be turned off with radio waves.)

So for now it’s all about managing the side effects of the medications and learning to live with my headaches.

I have gardened, walked, laughed and worked. I am not what I used to be but I am better than I was.

And now, I am going to read another book while I try to meet that elusive Sandman.

The truth about life is that is all comes down to choices.

Some choices we make for ourselves, some choices others make for us, and some choices are completely out of everyone’s hands.

My life has been all about forced choices for the last few years as my health has taken one unexpected turn and another. I have had to learn how to manage my depleted energy levels in a way that lets me be a good mom above all else. Sometimes I have succeeded, other times I have failed.

This week I faced the biggest choice of my career since applying for law school. I argued my final hearing as a litigator.

I love litigation and I am very good at it but the fact is the amount of time and stress that goes into litigation isn’t healthy for me. My doctors are busily telling me how much I need to rest and relax while I spend ten hour days playing chicken with opposing counsel on pre-trial settlement agreements and frantically piling up every argument I can think of to support my client’s claims. I end up wrung out, exhausted, out of spoons. It takes days of rest for me to feel up to normal life again.

So I made a choice. No more litigation. As of now I am stepping out of the adrenaline spiking, endorphin rushing, sleep depriving world of litigation and into a fairly predictable job. I’m also starting at 10 hours a week until I feel I am able to handle my neurology, dental surgery, and physical therapy appointments and meet a regular working schedule.

I feel angry that I have to make these choices but lucky that I have choices to make. I have a supportive boss who held my position for me and will let me take the time I need to heal before I increase my hours. I have family who support me while I am healing. I have a partner who loves me, limitations and all, and who works with me every day to get better.

I feel lucky that I am able to choose to be healthier. To focus my energy on healing and managing my health instead of having to do what is immediately in front of me.

I feel lucky that I am able to choose wisely.