Stirred Crazy…

dreaming of drinking
in noisy locations
with people surrounding me
a thousand new faces a day
strangers grounding me
bodies covered in sweat
as we move to a beat
being pounded out
at volumes our
voices can’t compete with
a favorite past-time of mine
this tribal activity
this dancing.

seeing but not seeing
faces uncertain in
shifting shadows
and strobe flashes
only one thing dominating
the act of mating movement to music
rhythm to writhing
soul to sweat
i can’t forget it yet
the yearning
for the feel of muscles burning
from hours of endless
frenzied whirling.

with the breath
of a crowd
bringing death
to the dance
is there even
the slightest chance
we will ever again see
the sticky drink covered
dance floors
and the cover-charged
roped off doors
of my youth open to
the sweat covered lovers of
of hip hop and house?

will our children know the
dubious thrill of raising the roof
with their hands on their drinks
at all times and their ID’s
in their bras because they
still don’t make club
clothes for women
with pockets?
Or will the idea of sweating
so close to so many strangers
always feel like too much danger
and sharing that much air
alway carry the risk
of too much death
from the chance
of sharing too much breath
with too many people
you just don’t know?

which way will it go?

the club life
had pitfalls of
roofies and date rapes
unwanted gropings
along with DUI’s and
those sad over-dosings.
It wasn’t a scene
for those without armor
or someone to teach them
to watch out for charmers
or to stomp someone’s arches
“by accident” if needed.
it wasn’t a place for a lamb.
but it taught you to lose inhibition
to let go of the need for perfection
to give in to the feel of the music
and just be part of something wild and primal
and yes, at times, explicit.

It would be a shame if we were the last to know it.

—- mmorehead 02-20-2021

Topomax sucks…

I was never going to try it again. Having experienced the word loss and extreme side effects of being on it once I was never going to let its chemical compounds cross the threshold of these lips again.

That is, until I failed everything else.

It was the only drug I’d ever responded to but back when I had it was one of many options that had so many negative side effects I couldn’t imagine staying on it when there were other, possibly less horrible options out there for me.

But now there aren’t.

To try and combat the side effect roller coaster we are starting ultra-low and upping slowly, especially since I have proven myself to be extra-sensitive to side effects. Even starting at 15mg a day I tasted pennies immediately. 6 weeks later at 45 mg a day I was feeling achy everywhere, having a sore throat, and never feeling hungry. 8 weeks in, at 60 mg a day, I’m still 340 mg away from the minimum effective therapeutic dosage and the side effects are staggering.

I taste copper all the time, with everything. Everything has a tangy, metallic smell. I am never hungry and my stomach always hurts. My muscles and bones feel like I have a high fever, that aching sensation that comes with the flu, and my joints hurt constantly. I have diarrhea, which is amazing since I also have a partial bowel obstruction. I’ve lost 7 pounds this past week. I’m dizzy, lightheaded, and itchy.

Each time I up the does by 15mg I have a huge uptick in side effects. So far each time they taper down after several days and get more manageable. I’m hoping they do so this time too, though this is by far the worst I have felt so I am feeling doubtful.

The good news is so far I haven’t had the direct mental capability loss I had last time. Last time it was like someone had turned my brain off. Everyone joked about me entering my mid-thirties being the cause and didn’t understand how terrifying it is to have the ability to draw forth anything you want from memory on Monday and then nothing from memory Tuesday but that’s how it went for me last time I was on this drug.

This time it’s more like I go to find the file and I have to look in another drawer because I suddenly remember it never got put back properly. So that aspect is better. So far.

However, I’m only a fifth of where I need to be to get results from this drug and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m not sure I can give myself a pretty serious flu-like week every few weeks for the next 6-8 months while I ramp up to the right dosage.

Topomax seriously sucks. The question is, does it suck more, or less, than untreated Fibromyalgia?

UPDATE: I was wrong about the minimum effective dose!! It’s only 50 mg! There’s hope. I am already here and only need to see if it starts helping out after a few weeks.

Silvery slivers of linings peeking over the clouds.

O Civility…

duck your shameful head O’ traitor 
don’t show your face in my land of freedom.

tear down your lackluster campaign flags
cease your tone deaf rally cries.

you pressed your pestilent idol upon my nation 
and with overwhelming numbers you were rebuked.

your time of relevance is no more.

you tried to force yourself upon us 
like the cheapest of history’s cowards.

raging through our nation’s capitol
smearing shit on a symbol you claim to revere.

bludgeoning friend and foe alike
with every quisling blow.  

all for one who never cared a whit for you.

now your leaders quake in the murk
hoping to be unnoticed while you rot.

your sniveling idol pouts and putts 
as his reckoning comes due. 

and you lecture me on civility
telling me it’s time to end our divisiveness. 

your brazeness is boundless.

you do not get to come into my house
to set a bomb off in the living room

then get upset when I don’t offer you tea
to go with the shrapnel. 

—mmorehead 2-15-2021

Managing life with chronic illness requires savvy spoons